the petting zoo and baby blues

Mama's Best Angel Girl

2011-06-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

My Sadie passed away Tuesday night. I miss her so much and the other dogs are obviously grieving. I am however so thankful she was able to go naturally and in her own time. I had so many people pressuring me to euthanize her, but it just didn't feel right. I have spent the last few months doing doggie hospice with her and have hardly left her side in the last month.

In the end it was so very peaceful. I laid down with her at around 8 pm Tuesday for a snuggle. I dozed off lightly and when I awoke at 9:30 she was gone. I think it was her taking her last breath that woke me up, and i know there was no pain or struggle as I had my arms around her and would've woken up right away had there been.

Rest in peace my sweet girl, you were truly the best dog ever!

Just sad

2011-04-27T04:02:00.000-07:00

My dear cyber sister's dream has ended in tragedy. Her babies didn't stick. I feel so bad for her, I know the pain she must be feeling. I also know she is so very strong and will someday come out the other side and find joy again, but for know I just hope she knows she is loved and supported, and in the thoughts and prayers of so many people.

A dream for a friend

2011-04-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

So so Happy for Tammy and Mark. They are finally officially pregnant. Still hoping for my chance, so I have to admit it's bittersweet. It gives me hope, but there is that part of me that is plagued by the little green monster. I feel bad saying that, but Tammy and I were the last two of our NW friends. Now it's just me. Horrible aren't I? But I AM truly happy for her, she's gonna be a great mom and these are some lucky and loved babies!

It's Over

2010-11-05T02:17:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been punched in the stomachs an it's taken a few days to be able to say it, but, barring a miracle, my dream is dead.

After lots of tests the official, opinion is.....I have less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant using my own eggs. An egg donor is not an option unless I win the lottery, and I don't know anyone with any spare embryos in storage, and it seems that all the embryo adoption places want couples who have tons of money in the bank, though the actual process is less expensive than IVF.

so that's it...I am heartbrokenly done. I don't know what to do or how to go on.

2010-08-25T10:50:00.000-07:00

Thinking of my dear cyber sister Tammy today who lost her beloved dog Eddie last night. I know that pain and emptiness, and hope that she and Mark are doing ok.

It's been a very long while, but there is new hope

2010-08-14T03:46:00.000-07:00

First an update...

The Sadie situation turned out to be bittersweet..mostly sweet.

Turns out Roxy is not vicious and unpredictable..she is a cancer detector!

Sadie had cancer eating away at her foot...something I may not have known until too late since it was a back foot that she limps on anyway due to arthritic, dysplastic, hips, had it not been for the attack. Though I do wish Roxy had found a less violent way to tell me. Saie had surgery and, despite being minus a toe, she is fine and peace is restored. As SOON as the cancer was removed Roxy went back to throwing herself at Queen Sadie's feet. And has become quite a good little agility dog too. We compete for the first time next month.

In other news...there is real hope for my baby dream to come true...well at least hope. I will be able to do...drumroll...a round of IVF, two if I can find a shared risk program I qualify for. It will probably be happening Oct/Nov ish. I am excited and scared out of my mind....this is it, my one last shot. Wish me luck.

Update

2009-10-30T02:30:00.000-07:00

I took Sadie to the vet, got her on antibiotics.

The new thoery is that Sadie may be sick...seriously sick as in possible cancer. And that Roxy is detecting some chemical change in her. The only way to find out is a bunch of tests I can't come close to affording. The $105 for a visit and antibiotics almost wiped out the checking account. It sucks to be on a limited income when things like this come up.

I have set up a seperate blog for Sadie. It will have updates and also a donation link for those who wish to donate. No pressure or obligation. If anyone is interested in following the Sadie story the link is http://savesadie.blogspot.com.

We had another mini incident tonight..no further injuries, but Roxy went for the exact same spot as before, Sadie's ear. Which leads me to believe the theory might be right.

This situation is killing me. It's not happening with any of the other dogs, and Sadie is my special one.

On the petting zoo front.

2009-10-27T10:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, so one or two of my 3 or 4 readers probably know about the zoo that lives here. 4 dogs and 6 cats. Some of you might remember the addition last year of Roxy-pup, the darling little submissive lab. And then there's Sadie, the 10 year old leader of the pack.

And all that was true until yesterday. Yesterday the submissive darling decided she should be the leader of the pack. Now Sadie is a very large dog, so 10 is quite old for her breed which has an average life span (on paper) of 7-9 years. Sadie also had an artificial hip, and arthritis, and a playful streak that pops up here and there.

Scene: Mama and Sadie are playing in the growly way they always have - in which Sadie sounds like she is going to kill Mama, but instead licks her to death. Roxy the submissive darling comes to investigate/join in the fun - so I thought.

Instead Roxy attacks Sadie and despite Mama pulling her off repeatedly, hitting her with the chucket ball launcher plastic thing, yelling, etc, Roxy will not stop, she was a dog I didn't recognize in that moment. As Sadie yelps and screams, I finally get Roxy to stop and she runs to the other side of the yard. As I am trying to help Sadie up (her legs went out from under her, prompting Mama to freak about her hips) Roxy decides to come back and go after her from behind. Now keep in mind Sadie is twice Roxy's size, but it mattered not a bit as youth overpowered size.

I drug Roxy in the house and locked her in the bathroom, got Sadie inside and checked her over and discovered copious amounts of blood pouring from somewhere in the vicinity of her head. Turns out it was an ear, which in one way was comforting because ears can be only mildly injured and still bleed tons. After making sure there were no life threatening injuries, I let Roxy out of the bathroom, holding on to her of course, and she immediately acts like she wants to go in for round 2. I was bewildered to see my submissive baby behaving this way, when the day before she was cowing to Sadie's obvious authority as she had since 8 weeks old.

I put her on her back in the submissive position, and try to get Sadie to come over, to reestablish her authority. To which Sadie replied, with a clear look, "do you think I'm nuts Mom?"

I then took Sadie into the bathroom for a clearer look at her injury and to clean and treat. Upon closer inspection, the small tear I thought she had, turned out to be a rather nasty puncture wound. Clip, flush, clean with hibiclens, and apply lidocane antiseptic lotion. Call the vet. Today we are going in for antibiotics, a necessary precaution given her age and fragile health. And money i don't really have to spend, but anything for my baby. I love them all but Sadie is my #1.

The theory behind this incident - according to the vet - is that between 14-16 months some dogs suddenly decide they are top dog, even if they have been bottom dog for a year. And they get the mind set "I'll kill you to prove it". Also, since Roxy is so bonded to me, she may have thought Sadie was a threat to me, by all the growly play. My plan was to reestablish Sadie's position as top dog, I have been told this would be a mistake.

My problem now is that I am having a hard time seeing Roxy the same, or trusting her to be left alone with Sadie, or even to be in the same room. I know dogs feed off of their humans emotions and I don't want to make the problem worse by being nervous around them.

Not sure what to do....but i am really hoping this was an isolated incident.

As for Sadie, she is stiff and sore and obviously not happy today. Maybe the vet can give her something for pain.

And all this happened while Mama is trying to recover from the flu...supposedly not the porcine variety, but enough to have been on Tamaflu and in bed for the last week, and to end up in ER a few days ago with the most excruciating back pain and spasms I have ever felt. Apparently the flu can be tricky and settle in strange places and cause strange things. Valium is apparently the cure. I was feeling fairly good yesterday, until the fight, which i think set be back a day, at least i hope it's only a day.

Hope all of you are well
And did you notice not one mention of K in this post? No I haven't totally come to my senses and grown a backbone, but we haven't seen each other, and have hardly spoken in a week. probably because we've both slept most of the last week, she has the flu too. She was thrilled when the Doctor told me I was worse than she was. I was less than thrilled. Thrilled because Kelly is always the sickest one, so she was happy to be the healthier one this time.

Okay so I ALMOST made it through without a mention....that's progress, eh?

A little better

2009-10-01T23:52:00.000-07:00

I managed to talk to K a little about how I was feeling. She is now going to sleep on a cot, alone. Or if the cot is too hard for her arthritis I'll take it and she can have the bed. This is her way of not choosing and of not having to confront her friend for being such a witch. But at least I won't have to spend my vacation dealing with subtle gloating from said witch. Btw..since Kelly made this decision, the friend has been around much less than usual. I think she's mad she didn't get her way this time...and yes I AM gloating on the inside!

Oh and I have been advised to retest for pregnancy...AF only stayed for 2 days.

More of the same

2009-09-30T09:40:00.000-07:00

Well it's happening again. K's famously cruel friend has struck me another blow, and of course K blindly goes along. Why do I hang onto someone who obviously doesn't mean it when she calls me twice a day and says I love you? simple, if I didn't I would truly have NO ONE else in this town. I have no friends here and my friends from before here I've lost contact with over the last 10 years. I had hoped that doing agility with the pup would help me meet people, but so far not much in the way of frienships has developed.

We're all supposed to be going to Reno this Sunday. K, her friend and I were in the same room. The plan was for K and I to share one bed so the friend (who said she wanted to sleep alone) could have the other bed. In fact the friend - who's very bossy (not to mention a master liar and manipulator) is the one that said "K and E can share one bed....."
Now this week she told K that she(K) was sleeping with her. K told her no she was sleeping with me and the friend told her she can't. So what did K do....went along with her friend! this woman knows the sensitive nature of mine and K's relationship. She constantly puts K in a position to choose - usually a LOT more subtle than this - and then shoves it in my face , very subtly of course, constantly. K doesn't pick up on subtle things, never has, which is why this woman can be cruel right in front of people and come off smelling like a rose. If I get my feelings hurt is cause I'm too sensitive cause "she was just joking"

So what do I do? I really don't want to spend my vaction being made to feel bad. I don't know if I can stand being in the same room with them. But i don't want to give up a hundred dollar deposit and let everyone have a good time on my (partial) dime.

2009-09-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

BFN...I give up. I can't afford to try anymore. Because of all the money i spent on trying, i won't be able to pay my property taxes this year. I give up on everything. Why am I even here?

2009-09-07T01:03:00.000-07:00

Well..I've decided to give it another shot. This time I'm going back to swimmers from NW. I'm a little hurt by the forum there these days..the last time I posted it got over 50 veiws and not one response...so much for peer support eh? At least I met a faithful few there. Especially T who has supported me unwavering, and who I hope knows that she means alot to me and has given me hope when i was ready to give up so many times. Thanks.

L- I hope things are settling and that we can catch up soon, i miss your laugh.

to whom it may concern

2009-09-02T00:26:00.000-07:00

BFN..after much hope and prayer and AF being late, creating more hope that the stick was wrong. I'm quickly approaching the giving up on everything phase. Why bother being kind and helpful and hoping for a karmic break in this life when it all keeps biting me in the a** time after time? I must've really pissed off someone in a past life...

God is great (even if it seems he hates me)...beer is (really) good (tonight) and people (especially me) are crazy.

2009-08-25T12:37:00.001-07:00

Got this from Tammy's blog and it sounded fun

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you!

The offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will.
2- What I create will be just for you.
3- Apparently I have a year to get it to you, but hopefully it won't take that long!
4- You have no clue what it's going to be. It’s a surprise to both of us at this point.The catch?

You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.
So the first five people who comment, and are willing to pass it along, will get a handmade gift in the mail from me. When you get it, make sure you post a pic on your blog! Let's have some fun!

Little star

2009-08-24T22:45:00.000-07:00

Roxy started agility training tonight and despite being the youngest dog by far in the class, she did awesome. The trainer said she had very good focus for a dog that just turned a year old 2 days ago. They had us already doing the baffle board and walking through the rungs of a ladder on the ground, plus jumping up on a box and sitting. I thought Roxy would be scared, but she was AWESOME. I'm very proud of my little star pupil!

TWW

2009-08-21T00:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I am now officially in the dreaded two week wait. For some reason this ones harder. Maybe because i feel like this is it...my last chance. Or maybe I'm getting less paitent in my old age.

Happy Anniversary L&S. Love and miss you tons.

2009-08-18T00:36:00.000-07:00

Well tomorrow i get back on the TTC railroad. please be sending baby dust at around noon PST.

In other news, i have a broken foor which is very inconvenient. Especially since Roxy starts agility on the 24th.

Sorry I don't update much...I read everyone's blogs, but it's sometimes hard to put my own craziness into words these days.

2009-07-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

J died yesterday. I was with her through the night. It's the end of a chapter and I hope she is at peace and restored to full health and has joy in her heart now.

The more things change

2009-06-17T12:40:00.000-07:00

Lots of changes here. I went to Arizona for 6 days, it was a nice break. The day after I got back J started exibiting signs of altered mental status. I took her into the ER and she had a uti which can cause altered status in the elderly. She never quite come out of it. The family left everything up to me and just after I found her a placement in a memory care center, they changed the plan and decided that K's brother and his partner would get an apt and take her to live with them.
Which changes alot of things for me....loss of income to put towards a baby, K now doesn't have to feel guilty for not being here (her words not mine), which probably means she won't ever be here even to visit. (I know L, perfect time to put your advice to work, and I'm going to really try). And I now have a huge empty 4 bedroom house. K and I picked this house out together, I probably wouldn't have ever bought it had I know she was going to flake in less than a year. Family emeshment is a powerful thing I guess and I'm realizing she's not going to be able to get and stay seperate from them at least until her mom is gone, maybe not even then.

that leaves me alone...I mean truly alone. I let all my friendships drift away after we got together so literally the only people I have here are K and her family. I don't even know how to start developing a support network. I think right now my self esteem and confidence are so shot, it's scary to even try to get out and meet people.

I need to get rid of the couches that the puppy chewed up, but can't get them to the dump trailer alone. I really need to conserve finances since I'm back down to living on $700 a month. So paying someone to do anything is kinda out.

I want to be an independant woman and be able to finish the repairs on the house and do the yard and everything all by myself, but I'm just not sure if I can.

I guess doing one small thing at a time is better than doing nothing at all.

A little update

2009-06-01T14:26:00.000-07:00

finally sold the van! now i can pay off most of the bills they left. I basically have put my foot down - don't fall over L - and told everyone that they and their stuff has to be out of the trailer by the 20th, that gives me 10 days to get everything fixed and hopefully list it july 1st.

My neice T, just gave me a great-neice (I'm way to young to be great!) Alaya Nicole, who is as pretty as her mama. And yes it's hard for me to deal with her having #2 while I'm still waiting for #1. On that fron't I'm going to hopefully TTC mid june using a donor from Canada that I found through a yahoo group. I have to buy a biotranz kit and send it to him, SOON.

My birthday is tomorrow which the last few years just depresses me because it's one year older and less fertile.

And for my rant today: I cannot believe that octo-witch is getting a show! That woman deserves a CPS investigation, not a paycheck!

okay..i'm done
love to my 2 loyal readers and any lurkers who happen by.

Grand total and silence

2009-05-11T12:24:00.000-07:00

Well the garage sale this weekend netted about 270. I can pay the electric bill off at least.

K's mom is still loudly not speaking to me and is in fact trying to make my life with J as difficult as possible. I'm not allowed to bring J there when I need to go anywhere whether K is there or not.

Everyone agrees it's not right, but nobody will take a stand. they all talk about what a bitch she is when she's not around then go over there and smile and laugh and act like she's not doing this.

Of course I'd love it if K would just tell her off and walk out, but I know that's not likely, she's not strong enough to do that yet. And I don't have faith that she'd do it if she could actually.

Not sure if we are going to be able to do the sale next weekend or not. I'm hoping so.

For Sale

2009-05-10T01:45:00.001-07:00

starting yesterday and going at least through tomorrow, and maybe next weekend, M&S's stuff is being sold at a yard sale. I guess that's a positive thing I'm doing, although the way K's mom blasted me when I walked in the door to drop J off (K is watching her while I do the sale) you would think I had robbed M&S's blind and waited 5 minutes instead of 5 months to sell off their stuff. Everyone tells me to ignore her but it's hard. I mean what does she expect me to do? Keep the house trashed and full of their junk indefinately I guess. At least this afternoon when I picked J up, she wasn't yelling at me anymore, but boy her silence spoke loudly! I'm trying not to care, but it's difficult. I'm so sick of the "It's just E, so it's okay to screw her over" attitude.

and for my 2 loyal followers, no this doesn't mean the situation with K has changed, she was supportive enough to tell her mom to shut up and to tell me that I'm not wrong, but that's all.

And L- having to take J over there is one of those things that I meant makes a clean break so hard.

Thanks for the support guys....it means so much more than you could ever know.

By the way, I've made over $100 so far at the yard sale, another 400 would pay off the bills and maybe go a little way toward repairs.

the other shoe

2009-05-08T17:18:00.000-07:00

this isn't going to be long, because I'm still trying to process and get my head around things. The other shoe has dropped. And it was basically what I'd expected. Damn I hate being right.

K is now living in 2 places, "part time" here and her mom's. She told me "It's not you, I'm just not happy here and I don't know why." Plus she's decided that she's still in love with her mega loser ex who she's been divorced from for 17 years, and needs to know if there's anything there. I told her if she's feeling that strongly then she needs to find out and to just be sure it's the person he is today and not what once was that she loves.

I'm trying to be supportive and all, because for some reason I just love her unconditionally. Not as the "married" partners we were for 6 years, but just as a person. Why I love her after all the heartache and misery she's put me through in the last year and a half, i haven't a clue. I guess I'm just a fool.

As requested

2009-05-02T23:44:00.001-07:00

since L so sweetly asked, tho she may regret it, here is an update for what it's worth

My life has been a series of dashed hopes and disappointments. Insecurity, fear, and waiting for shoes to drop.

I thought i had it all figured out. I thought it was finally my turn for some happiness. Fate seems to have other ideas.

let's see...I was planning on trying to get back to TTC in Jan, but the finances just weren't there. The stupid house is still unsold and full of Mike and Sydia's junk. I tried to sell the van they left, but without keys no one wants to buy it. Having a title to a vehicle with no keys is worthless. I want to have a garage sale and just open the doors to the house and say "everything goes including the house..make me an offer" Of course with the economy I can't get what I need to out of it right now.

K's aunt has been in an adult foster home for a few years now. After much discussion and promises of help from the family and K's reassurance that I wouldn't be doing it alone, I got licensed as a limited adult foster home. J moved in the first of April, then coded in my arms on the third at her dr's office. She came home from the hospital on the 9th. Now this is a 71 y.o. developmentally disabled and mentally ill woman who probably has only a year or so left and who respects no one, demands everything, and acts like a naughty 5 year old alot of the time. for example, she's decided if she doesn't eat at home someone will buy her McDonalds. Her Dr and Mental health professionals assure us this is a behavioral not medical thing and we shouldn't indulge her. They have been proven right. It's a 24 hour job. J "punishes" if I don't give her her way by yelling into the baby monitor at night, between 2-3am seem to be her favorite times. And the family has taken the "it's your job" stance now. (K's mom, who is J's sister actually said "I'm not a damn babysitter" when I needed to leave J with her for an hour one day)

Why would I take this on, you ask? Because the other place was neglecting her (not giving her her lasix which was the cause of her coding from massive fluid build up on her heart) and it was supposed to pay close to 3,000 a month. Money for the mortgage and to save for IVF. Unfortunately that money has been cut for some unknown reason by almost 1000. Kinda cuts into the baby fund - by the time I have enough, I'll be too old and it will be too late.

As for K...well she's been finding excuses to stay at her mom's for longer and longer periods and has been home 3 days this week after going for "one night" and staying 5. she's now gone again(since friday). She's been acting very distant and weird too. I have a feeling she's planning to move out again, tho she hasn't said. The deal was I pay all the bills in exchange for her doing J's laundry and showers and helping with the regular household stuff. So far it hasn't been that way. I guess I should be happy she called tonight to say goodnight, huh?

I'm feeling very angry right now and very hopeless. Why don't I ever have anything good that lasts? Is that my purpose for being here..to make sure everyone else gets what they want and is taken care of while having nothing for myself?

Well my dearest L, you asked. I love you and miss you so much. And to anyone else who reads this..thanks for listening.

2009-01-13T09:48:00.000-08:00

The renters are not back yet, word through the grapevine isthat they're back on drugs and likely not caring who they screw over. Also that they've been fired from their jobs here. All of which adds up to no money coming in so no TTC for me. I hadsuch high hopes this was gonna be the month...now I'm not sure if the time will ever come. I wonder if that free sperm donor group on Yahoo is safe to even consider. free I can afford right now.

In other news I'm looking into medical billing/coding schools that I can do from home. And that offer financial aid. All geared toward eventually bringing in more money and looking better on paper for a possible adoption, someday, maybe, i hope.

here's to new ears

2009-01-01T03:00:00.000-08:00

Every New Years i think of my neice when she was about 2.(she's now 23!)
We were all celebrating new years eve and she'd been asleep up until about 11:30pm. She woke up in time to watch the ball drop then, as we all wished each other happy new year, her small, worried voice piped up and asked "why we gotta have new ears? I yike mine ears!"

to me she is still that little girl no matter how big she is and that she's a mother now with a second one on the way (despite my repeatedly telling her she couldn't have one before i did!)

I really hope that this year is the year that sees T and the rest of my ttc sisters being able to celebrate (along with me of course) mamahood and all those precious stories to come.

Happy New Ears everyone!

on again off again

2008-12-28T15:33:00.000-08:00

Well....
Thanksgving has come and gone. So has Chistmas. And in between the two, K's son. Guess he decided he wasn't ready to get his life together after all..or something.

Hope all of you have had a wonderful Holiday season. I've been following along in your blogs, just haven't had the energy to post here I guess.

I've been dealing with alot of depression. Seems I find hope or a hint of happier times on the horizon and it goes.

I had renters in the old house, which meant I could get back to ttc next month..I thought. Well the renters went out of town on a family emergency and it looks like they aren't coming back. Which means no $600 rent coming next month which means no money for swimmers, ultrasounds and trigger shots. I wonder if God is telling me something since AF decided to put in a repeat appearance today. 15 days after her last one. I know there is no way I O'd on cd 1 last time so I'm wondering how to count this one. It seems like everytime I decide to try again after taking a break, my body goes haywire on me. Been regular as can be for 6 months now....

We were hoping to come up with money despite the disappearing renters. They're relatives of K's and left alot behind. She's saying she's going to sell it to pay the bills they also left behind, and put toward ttc. Time will tell if that actually happens or not. The suspicion is that they went back to Phoenix and the drugs, which means we won't see them again until they want something from us. I bet you can guess what my answer will be.

I'm feeling a stonger and stronger pull towards adopting...specifically adopting from Ethiopia. But I don't even know if that's a possibility for me. I'm afraid of telling my self that adoption of any kind is an option. I'm doubtful I can meet anybody's requirements. I have alot of love paitence and dedication to give to a child, but not alot of money or material goods. although if can find an agency willing to take into consideration the fact that there will be a trust fund for any child of mine from day one, then there is hope. Unfortunately, the money for that fund can't be accessed to make a baby.

Anyway, sorry for the long absence then the dreary post. Here's to a brighter and blessed 2009 for everyone. And I'll keep you posted..I mean it this time.

Wow, it's been a while.

2008-11-16T18:35:00.000-08:00

Things have been busy here. we're finally settled (well almost) into the new house. We have a new fur baby - a 12 week old purebred chocolate lab. I've never had a purebred before, but we plan to breed her when she's 2 and right now she's all fun, snuggles and chewed shoes. In about a week K's middle son will be living with us to try and get a new start on life. He's 21 and has always been our troubled child..also the one who i developed and instant soft spot for the first time I looked into those 13 yo big brown eyes.

On the mommyhood front. We've finishe foster classes but will wait till J gets out and on his home before having the homestudy. Meanwhile...drumroll......

I'm jumping back on the TTC train in Jan. !!! I've rented out the old house which frees us finances somewhat so I'll be able to afford a few more trys. I'll probably have to go through a whole nother round of testing since I'm now a year older, but hopefully this will be the time.

I've been keeping up on everyones blogs and you are all in my prayers. T and especially L get extra prayers these days.
love to all.

Finally

2008-09-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

We've moved!!! We're in the new house! It's still of course in a cluttered half unpacked shambles, but we're in!

The dogs are loving the back yard, running and playing so much that Abby is limping from a pulled muscle in her haunch. They are so funny to watch, and it's smile making to see them so free and able to run and play.

We start foster classes in Nov. the current class was too full so we got bumped. We might try one more time with IU and trigger shots, if we can find another donor we like since the one we used last seems to be gone now.

Hope all my cyber sisters are well and I look forward to catching up

love you all

Delays

2008-08-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

We didn't get to move this weekend. We won't close now until Wednesday, which totally sucks since I'm leaving Thursday morning for a 5 day trip to WA to visit my sister (aka the crisis queen)

This means that we won't be able to actually get things moved until Labor Day weekend. ~sigh~ This also means that this place won't be back in showable condition till about mid September. ~double sigh~

We are doing foster training (Kelly for the 1st time and me retaking all of it with her and picking up the one class I missed.) It starts sometime in september...so far no one can give me dates of course! Stupid DHS office people! The hope is to eventually adopt, since it looks like TTC may be permanantly out of reach.

It's hard for me to give up the dream of carrying a child, knowing it from birth, breastfeeding, choosing a name, and being part of first smiles and first steps and first words. But I guess being a mama is what counts in the end....

disorganization

2008-08-03T21:44:00.000-07:00

I am really wishing lately that I was one of those ultra organized, get things done, kind of people. I am the complete opposite. The new house closes in less than a 2 weeks and I have only accomplished what feels like haphazzard packing. a few shelves of this cupbord or that, most of the blankets, sheets and winter clothes, some of the knick knacks....

Realistically I don't have to get it all done before the move, because this house hasn't sold yet. But the sooner it's empty, the quicker it will sell and let's face it, prime selling season is almost over.

No news on the baby front..except sadness that I may have to give up the dream.

I miss my friend L...

A brief update

2008-07-19T03:33:00.001-07:00

We ended up not getting the house we thought we were getting. The sellers started asking for rediculous things and the house wasn't financable the way they claimed. BUT we did find another and unless karma bites me in the ass again we should be moving to a 4 bedroom STICK BUILT not mobile 1958 house at the end of August. Still need to get this one sold, but that should be easier when the all the furry inhabitants and junk are out of it. The one drawback is there is only 1 bathroom in the new place.

On the baby front...for now I'm out. I'm not sure at this point if I'll ever get to be back in. We're still going to persue foster care and hopefully adopt from there.

tainted gold

2008-06-22T23:39:00.000-07:00

got the house, but my house isn't sold after all...things are going to be tight for awhile, but I don't want to lose the new one. In other news BFN. I'm not sure where to go next. there won't be any money to try again for who knows how long and I'm getting older by the second. I've cried for 2 days now.

finally coming together?

2008-06-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

Things have been really busy. We found the perfect house...it's not 5 acres but the house is much better than the 5 acre one. The yard is a good size for the puppies and it has....GRASS! Real live green grass..not like the dirt and scrub that, unless you have money for a professional gardener, most yards end up with here. We put in an offer that we were sure they'd take, 5000 or so higher than the other offer that went in the same day. They countered back to BOTH. Pins and needles here. It looks like my house is sold..the woman won't have the money (USDA loan) for 60 to 90 days but wants to rent from me until then. That's possible if I get this place, but until then I have to live here. And for those inquiring minds, yes K is planning on coming home to the new house. What's nice is it's actually in a diffrent town..still only 20 minutes away but it feels alot farther.

On the baby front. 6/7 had ultrasound- one 22-23 follicle one 15 and a few 12's. Doc said go ahead and trigger. That was a comedy with K trying to give me the shot. She forgot to hold the skin tight the first time and to quote her "OMG it bounced off!" She was scared to do it after that, but finally did. OW those things hurt, the needle is huge! 6/8 (Sunday) we go for the IUI the doc comes in and says there are at least 50 million swimmers in the sample!!! YAY! he said "This one's definiately a stud not a dud".
Fast forward one week, I'm having pinchy type pains on the left side and middle of my abdomen. I keep trying to tell my self it's not implantation, just gas. But it's hard not to hope.

Maybe things are finally going to turn my way. Maybe I'll be get to be happy now!

Happy Birthday to me

2008-06-03T00:14:00.001-07:00

It's been such and up and down week. S decided last Thurs that she didn't like the couple she was supposed to be giving the baby to, so she backed out. Then she approached K who actually went to see and hold the baby. Big mistake. I could've held and saw her too, but I told K that if she was going to be my daughter, I wanted to be with her every second in NICU, but if she's not I don't want to see her or know anything. We offered them our terms for a legal adoption, in writing. Right now it looks like they've found a new highest bidder. K has been crying and raging since Sunday. I've been crying, but glad I didn't see her.

Today I turned 41 - yuck. I have to say though that K and her family really took me by surprise. They had a party for me complete with cake presents and cards. In the 7 years we've been together I have never gotten a party or presents and cards from any of them but K. It made me very weepy. K was very sweet and loving and gave me a card that basically said "I love you very much and always will" She whispered to me as I was leaving "I meant what the card said, read it again." Again made me cry. The two of us laughed alot today which was nice and M and S stayed in their room during my party - which was also nice since I don't want to be around them right now.

I get back on the TTC train this week and will be doing ultrasounds and trigger shot for the first time..now to decide - quickly - which donor to use. I realized today that I have to order tomorrow and hope they can get it here by friday. YIKES! Hopefully if I order first thing in the AM they can do it.

That's all for now folks....

Yuck

2008-05-28T22:47:00.000-07:00

Well it started yesterday. My body releasing copious amounts of no-longer-a-baby. which means in a few weeks I can get back on the rollercoaster.

S (K's SIL) had the babyMonday, a little girl, and as predicted is adopting it out to the highest bidder. K and I actually were in the room with her when they induced her labor. We're sadists I think. I don't know if we thought since we were there they'd all of a sudden be human and give us the baby or what. After all what's family and compassion compared to money?
She's back at the MIL's house and I can hardly stand to look at her or M (k's brother) and my darling MIL is gushing and worrying all over them while I silently crumble and bleed.

Sometimes I wonder if being in this family is worth the pain....

Update

2008-05-22T22:32:00.000-07:00

The second test came with strange results. Apparently I was pregnant, but now I'm not, but my body doesn't know I'm not so I have to take hormones to convince it. This is all heart wrenching. Things with K and I are, as usual, up and down and going in circles, which is also heart wrenching.

I think I'm only going to try one or 2 more times to conceive. I don't think I can handle more than that financially - or emotionally.

My best friend just had a gorgeous baby girl, I'm thrilled, but jealous as h***.

more uncertainty

2008-05-08T17:53:00.000-07:00

from my post on the NW board

My dr called today to tell me that the nurse who'd ordered my blood test yesterday jumped the gun. That it is still too early for a positive to show up. She said I might still be preg after all and wants the test repeated next week. She thinks the bleeding last week could be implantation since I had no other AF symptoms. Instead of feeling hopeful I cried and told K I don't know if I can do this anymore. Between the broken adoption promise and what I thought were BFNs 3 times now I've mourned alot already this month. I'm afraid to hope again, but it's so hard not to!

2008-05-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

Well let see...
I AI'd last Sat. I think I O'd last Monday and last Thurs i started bleeding..who knows what the heck is going on. I'm stressed and depressed and trying to figure out which direction to go in with pretty much my whole life. Where to go when I sell the house. Why K is still friends with the witch and still staying out there when she could stay at her aunts.
She bought me a carseat yesterday. That's kinda confusing. She says it's so I'll be ready for my home study when the time comes. So I of course bought a stroller.

S is in labor as we speak..she approached me again about adopting it. But there are limited funds and I need to make sure it's all legal. She's done this before so she claims all we have to do is go before a judge and she'll give up her rights and then from there I can apply to adopt. I'm sure it has to be more complicated than that. She'd be happy if baby selling was legal. Then she could just get handed money and hand me the baby. Actually at this point I'd be happy if it was that simple.

Anyway the whole thing is excruciating. I feel like I'm at my wits end with everything and everyone. I guess things will work out how they supposed to. I think I'm just afraid that supposed to and my heart are very diffrent things.

I'm tired of being down. I'm tired of having only depressing things to write in my blog, which is why there are so few entrys lately. And thanks T for always having encouraging words for me. You're one of the things keeping me going right now.

sigh

2008-04-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

I just want to give up on everything right now. It seems to be a pattern with me that nothing good lasts. Of course I'm emotionally drained right now and my heart feels like it weighs a ton, so my judgement may be a bit impaired.

Maybe I just don't deserve to be happy. Maybe my purpose is to be used and let down by everyone else. I just don't know what to trust in anymore. Or what to hope for.

a heart full of daggers

2008-04-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

this post is just a song, but it kinda says it all. The witch "friend" seems to be winning...:

I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

There's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay

And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

She's out!

2008-04-20T17:40:00.000-07:00

Kelly got out of the hospital today. I can finally breathe. The "friend" is still being a witch, but I'm trying hard to take the higher road. I just don't get it. The important thing is that Kelly's okay, The rest is just trivial.
Thanks everyone for your support.

this post has no title, the author is too exausted to think of one.

2008-04-16T02:00:00.000-07:00

This will be a quickie. K had a heart attack Sunday night. She had to have double bypass surgery today and thank God she's ok. Sore but ok. I've been living at the hospital because she hasn't wanted me away from her...not that I could leave anyway with my girl in there. She's in CCU and they don't allow overnights so I have been ordered (by the nurses) home to bed. I'm going to get a few hours then go back before shift change.

Thanks to all the NW ladies, esp Tam and Cindy for the support and offers of shoulders and ears. You guys are the best and it means the world to me. And thanks to my best scrappy friend for being my touchstone once again ~HUGS~

It's 2 am, I'm gouing to try to sleep.

Counting the spots

2008-04-11T12:19:00.000-07:00

4 days left in the TWW, I'm mostly trying to pretend nothing is happening. maybe if I expect nothing, and look forward to nothing, then SOMETHING will come. Reverse Psycology I guess.

Things have been pretty chaotic around here. K's mom was just diagnosed with stage 3 renal failure, which I'm told is pretty bad. yets she continues to sit in her chair and smoke all day, only getting up to use the bathroom, while her loyal subjects wait on her hand and foot. K hasn't been taking care of herself at all either, she's not taking her meds like she should and she's sleeping alot. And doesn't really care right now. She's obviously depressed, all the stress of that house is getting to her yet she refuses to come home because they "need" her. It's so hard watching the person I love most self destruct slowly right in front of me and not be able to do a damn thing.

I've decided I need to concentrate on getting myself as healthy as possible and persue my dream of motherhood. but it's hard not o go over there everyday and try to take some of the stress away from K. But then the stress ends up on me, which is not good at all.

Good news is the weather has finally decided to be spring like so maybe I can plant some pretty flowers outside.

Back to the TWW

2008-04-02T00:23:00.000-07:00

I did 2 vials at home this time. one at 19 hours and one at 31 hours. I used preseed for the second one - I didn't have it for the first cause I had a hard time finding it in my town. This cycle was really weird, so I'm not sure if I timed things right or not. My opk was only positive for a day and a half, so the second AI might have been after ovulation..I just hope one of the swimmers catches that egg!

In other news, my shoulder is slowly getting better, which is good since I'm coaching bocce for Special O again this year. This time I'm head coach and practice starts this weekend. It would be nice if I could at least show the new kids how to throw. We've got 20 pairs this year so it should be total chaos until I get everbody organized. Luckily I have at least one good assistant coach..though one of the others is back from last year and he was almost as difficult as some of the athletes! It should be a good season, or at least an interesting one!

Temporarily a leftie

2008-03-26T11:29:00.000-07:00

I'm typing with my left hand so you'll hve to excuse any typos. I injured my right shoulder (more on that later) o they have me in a "shoulder immobilizer" should be called a whole right arn immobilizer since thats what it is.

K was wonderful this weekend. Everytime I'm ready to give up on her she does something to remind me why I don't. She took me out Friday to get my mind off of things. we went to the casino with the whole family and she handed me a hundred bucks to gamble with. She just got her taxes back so she was in a sending mood. I didn't double it like I hoped and handed her back $40 at the end of the night. Saturday we got a new tire for the dump trailer finally. I've been telling her since lat Wed (BFN day) that I really needed her to come spend some time at home, that I needed to be held and to feel like things were going to be ok. Well as of Saturday she hadn't made it over - there was always a reason. When she was leaving to drive her brother home she said she still didn't know if she was going to make it back to stay the night because her son might be renting a movie. I got hurt enough to finally say what was on my mind "Baby, there's always a reason you can't be there when I need you". She got mad and snapped "I'll be back" and I told her if she was going to come back out of anger, don't bother. Then I went in and cried. She called an hour later and was very sweet and asked me to come over for chinese and then bring her back in my car so her mom and brother could use hers. She then went on to tell me how much she loved me and that she wasn't angry. I think I hit a nerve and she did some thinking and realized I was right. It was really nice to have her home, the furbabies were thrilled too. We did alot of nothing, then went to bed because her brother was coming early and we were going to do a makeover on the front deck. He showed up earler than he was supposed to and woke us up. Poor Kelly had to deal with tears from me cause I didn't get cuddle time that morning. She handled it well and cuddled me for a few minutes after letting her brother in the house.

The deck looks FABULOUS! New gate that Abby dog can't jump, clean white lattice all around. I almost don't want to sell the house - I told the realtor (who came to take new pics) that if the people who bought it were planning on tearing the deck down I wanted to take the gate and lattice with me. K financed all $300 of job - she can be so sweet sometimes. That brings me to my shoulder. I was pulling out a nail (that i was told NOT to try to pull) with all my might (don't ever tell me I can't) when the nail came out, sending me flying and landing with my butt wedged in a big flower pot. The flower pot and I then went over the side of the deck and I landed on my back (I think). K yelled out "BAAABE" at first cause she thought I might be dead. After she and J picked me up and realized I was mostly ok (K -"Look how close you were to that board full of rusty nails") and finished laughing at my comical acrobatics (J -"Can you do it again so I can tape it?") Then K started yelling in a diffrent way ("You were told not to try to pull that one, do you know what could've happened? I oughta smack you for scaring me!") Ah the love. My back neck and shoulder all suffered and yesterday I realized that my shoulder was hurt beyond just muscle soreness so I went in to the Urgent Care. 3 x-rays and one immobilzer later..I tore something in my shoulder. So now I'm one handed.

And she got me an Easter basket.. I am loved after all.

don't know what to say

2008-03-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster, and that there's no way off and nobody's hand to hold onto alot of the time. I doubt this stress is good for TTC.

I'm wondering alot about what's going on in my body these days. Is my lining too thin? Maybe it wants to implant but it can't. if that's the case then I need to do something or it's just a waste of time to try. I know I'm ovulating cause the sticks turn colors, and the timing for the last 2 has been good. My head says maybe it's not meant to be, but my heart screams that that can't be possible. My heart screams alot these days about a few things. Which is why not a whole lot is getting done.

Spring is coming so things have to get better, right?

Bfn again

2008-03-19T18:40:00.000-07:00

I tested this morning with high hopes, AF still hadn't shown. It was negative but i was still okay, after all nothings over till AF shows. Two hours later she came and I spent the rest of the day on the couch crying. I wish I lived somewhere where I had more choices of doctors. Mine doesn't seem to do anything. I hear other people going for ultrasounds and testing the thickness of their lining. My doctor's plan is "take your clomid and call us when you O". I think I need more, but more is expensive and I only have enough left in the fund for 3 more IUIs. There's just not the thousands for specialists. I wonder how expensive injectables are. I thik my insurance would pay for ultrasounds, after all an ultrasound could be for anything, it doesn't neccesarily fall under infertility treatment - which they don't cover. Mybe I'll call Portland Reproductive and ask what they charge for a consult. It might be worth a drive over the mountain, if I can come up with the money.

I'm feeling really sad, and I'm trying really hard not to fall into the "no hope" trap though it's calling pretty loudly right now.

2008-03-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

I think K is trying to redeem herself. She took me out for coffee and dessert last night then came over till 3am to hang out. Then this morning she came over again and we got some stuff done. She always seems to step up when I'm about to give up on her. It's nice, but frustrating sometimes too, cause if she'd just be that way to start then there wouldn't be a problem. I can tell she was feeling guilty.

AF still hasn't showed up, I did a dollar store test this evening and it was negative. I'm oping it's just too soon. I had a dream during my nap this afternoon that I did 5 tests and 2 were positive. The rest of the dream was just about telling people. When I woke up i had to pee so I figured what the heck and tested. Now I'm depressed.

As far as the board goes, I'm not responding to anything negative at all anymore. I hope other people do the same or it sounds like we might lose it. I wish we could come up with a way to remind each other to not respond. Instead we should just respond to all the other posts and force the negativity to page 2.

I hope this month goes well for everyone. I hope the world settles down. It sounds childish but i just want peace everywhere.

For the record

2008-03-17T13:59:00.000-07:00

There's more drama on the board ~sigh~ it's such a great place if you can ignore the drama. Unfortunately I think I accidently got caught in some. Some of the ladies started a yahoo group to have a back up in case admin got fed up and closed the boards. I was asked to join and felt flattered and did. However I have never posted, mostly because it quickly seemed to turn into "let's have a club that the popular kids can't be in" and putting down people on the board for things they can't even help. I happen to think all people are equal and alot of the most meaningful support I've gotten has been from people not in that group. It's sad really to have us divided like this, but I won't be taking part in that group, I just wanted to say for the record, I was invited, but will not be participating. And just to be clear, I have nothing against anybody who participates in that group, I think some of them are great and others I don't really know, I just personally would rather stick to giving and getting support for TTC and developing friendships with kindred spirits no matter which "group" they happen to fall into.

On to other news: I'm still sick, trying not to kill myself by doing too much, but there's so much to get done and it's becoming obvious I'm on my own. I'm trying to be tough and not let the sads get to me, but it's hard. I'm praying alot, just asking for guidance and the ability to accept what will be. Whatever that is.

2 days - actually a day and a half till testing. Unfortunately I think I'm feeling the beginning of AF symptoms. Dammit, I need something to go right!

Thanks to all of you who have lended support, it means more than you know.

Blah

2008-03-16T18:42:00.000-07:00

I have pneumonia again. The doc said it's most likely from stress and overdoing it, instead of staying down long enough after I started recovering from the last time. I'm afraid to take any of the stuff they gave me, even though she said it shouldn't be a problem, just in case I get my BFP this week.

I'm also beginning to realize my dream of having us all back as a family might not be shared. Maybe I just need to face up to the fact that my status isn't having a DP who doesn't live with me right now, but that if I'm lucky enough to have a child I'll be doing it alone.

I just think if she cared she'd make more of an effort to keep her word, or at least call and apologize for not keeping it. If it happened only occasionally it would be different, but it happens almost everytime she says she'll be there for me, and it seems to only happen when it comes to me, she always keeps her commitments to other people. She's admitted in the past that it's easier for her to let me down because she knows I love her unconditionally and I'll forgive her. But I would think that if she means it when she says "I love you" she'd at least make an effort or give me the respect of a phone call and an apology.

I'm feeling pretty low today. If you read all of this you deserve a cookie. Unfortunately you'll have to visit T's blog for one, cause I'm to tired to bake.

Poem from the NW board

2008-03-15T13:16:00.001-07:00

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother

Mixed

2008-03-12T18:32:00.000-07:00

I had custody of K's great nieces, now aged 10 and 11 for almost 2 years. They went back to live with their mom, who supposedly had gotten off drugs and cleaned up her life, last September. Well within a month they were living in a cheap hotel room, not in school, and mom was using. They were in AZ and I'm in OR so I couldn't just go grab them like I wanted to. Apparently a few months ago the State was going to step in so they were whisked off to live with a great Uncle that I didn't know existed until it happened. Losing the girls felt like part of my heart was ripped out and I have been really angry and feeling like I let them down ever since.

Today I got a phone call. Apparently the mom is in huge trouble for welfare fraud and tax fraud and the police are not only looking for her (I have no idea where she is, but the girls aren't with her) but also for the girls. Now all of K's family wants to go get them and bring them up here to live with me again. Which is fine, I love them and they will always have a home with me. The main problem is that I can't afford to financially support them right now. When they were here before they got medical benifits from the state, but I was told because I'm not related by blood or legal marriage that I couldn't get any cash assistance for them. I was also told I should try to have myself made their foster mom then I could get some financial help as a foster parent. I'm not sure how to go about doing that with kids that are already in my home - or will be soon.

Also I feel a little used by the family. These people have never extended a hand to help or support me unless they wanted something from me. Today felt the same, all of a sudden it was "what needs to be done on the house in the next few days so you can sell it and get a 3 bedroom?" When I've been trying for weeks to get help and everyone's been too busy or things come up.

I'm really feeling mixed. Happy to maybe be getting my girls back, but hurt and angry over feeling used.

Options

2008-03-11T19:45:00.000-07:00

I just found out that I can start foster/adopt classes on April 19th. I'm not giving up on the dream of having my own quite yet, but I want to keep all options open and they only do the classes once or twice a year in this town.

2008-03-11T18:09:00.000-07:00

Today was pretty boring. Did a ton of laundry and had lunch with K. then came home and cleaned out the fridge and washed all the shelves and bins real good.

The petting zoo increased by one today. The cat I gave to my step daughter ended up being more than she could handle so it's back with me and the gang now. I should mention that my step daughter is developmentally disabled, and thogh she lives independently and functions quite well, sometimes things like remembering to clean the cat box tend to slip her mind. Oh well we tried. I told her it's still her cat, it just lives at my house. She wants to buy a bag of litter and a bag of food every month so she feels like he's still hers. On my budget who am I to say no?

I'm trying really hard to not even think about whether or not I'm preg. An almost impossible feat, but I'm trying. My dreams however are not cooperating at all! I'm having baby dreams all night every night!

My counter is a day off I think. It should be 7 days not 6. since my IUI was last Wednesday.

I hope things start looking up for everyone I care about. Spring is almost here it's time for happiness and light!

more hurt

2008-03-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

BFN for T. What a sad day. I'm not even sure I want to test when it's time. My time and funds are so limited to try for a BFP. But I'll almost feel bad if I get it after what's happened today.

I'm sure there's a reason for all of it, but it just makes me feel really sad right now.

feeling heart

2008-03-10T02:06:00.000-07:00

My heart is hurting for M and N right now. It's so unfair after all they've been through. I really hope that they don't totally give up on the dream of parenthood, though right now I'm sure it's too painful to think about trying again.

I'm praying for good news for T tomorrow, we need something to be happy about.

It's 2:15 AM...I think I'm going to try to get some sleep.

confidence inspiring

2008-03-09T17:59:00.000-07:00

With everything else happening I forgot to tell about my IUI and the confidence inspiring Dr I had (NOT)

They were calling in a doctor to do it and I was to report at 2:30. This would be my 3rd IUI and 3rd diffrent Dr (same clinic) doing it. When I get there and they go to run my credit card the receptionist told me that they have a new system and mines the first card she's done. 10 minutes and 3 people later they finally get it to go through. Then they take be back to a room and tell me to strip from the waist down and give me that oh so chic paper thing to go over my lap.
So I'm sitting there half naked with a large napkin for shelter for about 15 minutes when a nurse I've never seen comes in and says "Dr Clark was in the building for about 3 minutes and got called back to the hospital to deliver a baby. We're trying to find someone else to do your IU." Then she asks if I'm comfortable! Another 10 minutes passes and a different nurse comes in to tell me that they have a doc to do it, but she's in with a paitent and will be with me shortly.

Finally after another 15 minutes the doctor comes in with yet another different nurse (no shortage of nurses obviously!) and the first thing she says is "I don't usually do these" then after I'm in position she informs me from between my legs "whenever I've done these before I've had another doctor looking over my shoulder telling me what I'm doing wrong. " If I hadn't just spent over $500 on sperm, shipping and the IUI, I would've been tempted to jump off the table. Luckily the cath slipped right in and (I think) she managed to get the swimmers in the right place. Her parting word were " I hope they swim north, on the slide they were going kinda southeast."

Hopefully this comedy of errors will result in a BFP!

Damn Dogs

2008-03-08T18:12:00.000-08:00

I got so mad at the pups today! They're normally pretty good, but sometimes they just go nuts and act like the worst dogs ever. This morning was one of those times.

I got up and decided to make a quick trip to the grocery store for OJ and donuts. While I was gone the dogs decided to get into the garbage and drag it all over. While I was on my hands and knees grouching at them and picking up garbage, they decided to nose open the box and eat half my donuts. Needless to say I was almost ready to call the pound!

I haven't been feeling well the last couple days - crampy and achy and sleepy. That's probably making me have a lower frustration tolerance too.

Please continue to pray and think positive thoughts for M and N. They really need them right now.

Oh and readership count is now 4...so cool!

2008-03-06T16:42:00.000-08:00

After all the excitement of the last few days, there's not much to write about. I'm crampy today, and a little grouchy. I'm thinking lots today about some of my friends on the boards who are having some rough times. I wish everything could just work out wonderfully for everyone always.

In critter news, I bought a training collar off of ebay. I'm hoping I can get away with just one, and train Abby then use it for Maggie.

K is supposed to come help tonight, but I'm not counting on it. I think it's going to be a "something came up" night. I know she's busy getting ready to go for the weekend, but I still feel a little unimportant.

It's Official

2008-03-05T17:50:00.000-08:00

I am now in the Two Week Wait (TWW)! YAY!!!

I'm also cramping like crazy so this will be the only update tonight.

Can't hardly wait

2008-03-05T13:06:00.000-08:00

This is such a pins and needles day!!! I did a FMU OPK ( for you non-TTC folk thats: I did an ovulation predictor kit using first morning urine - ain't ya glad ya asked?) and it was VERY positive. then i did another at around 10:30 - still very positive. And yes I am so anxious today that I did a third...you guessed it it was positive. Okay so I'm obseesed.

I waited anxiously for the doctors office to call and tell me that my swimmers were there and to come in. Finally at about 12:30 I called NW to see if they could tell me where they were. They said my doctor's receptionist had signed for them at 10:30! GRRR! I called the doc and of course they said they'd call back. 15minutes later the triage nurse called and said they were paging a doctor (not mine) to see when he could come in to do the IUI. There are 5 doctors in this clinic and none of the ones there could find a few minutes to do it??

So now I'm back to waiting for the phone to ring.

The other pins and needles thing is that M is at this moment going for her u/s..can't wait to see those results!

I now have 3 readers, gigglebaby, another sweetheart from the boards, has honored me by stopping by. Thanks!

I'll update again later.

2008-03-04T21:23:00.000-08:00

Quick update

I have 2 readers!!! I'm so happy! Thanks T and L, you guys made my day! I'm thinking of making this invite only, then I can use real names instead of initials. I just don't want to put my friend's names out there for the general population.

Okay, the update. The second OPK was also positive. The Drs office said they'd call me as soon as my swimmers get to the office and squeeze me in. I really hope it's not too late! I'll test again in the morning to make sure it's still positive.

Thinking lots of M today, they're ahead so we'll hear results tomorrow, come on TWINS!!! Only 6days to go for T, I'm so pulling for that sweet girl. COME ON BFP!!!

One of the ladies from the board is sending me the "Take Charge of Your Fertility" book, I can't wait to read it.

2008-03-04T12:55:00.000-08:00

I just did an opk, but forgot to check it within 10 minutes. I thinkit was more like 20. It says positive..which is not good because the swimmers won't arrive till tomorrow! CRAP CRAP CRAP! I wonder if it's wrong cause I waited so long. I'll do another in a couple hours.

I spent most of yesterday cleaning the carpets I thought quite thoroughly, but this morning the house stunk! I think the Rug doctor sucked all the dog and cat smell to the surface, but didn't quite get rid of it. that was a waste of $30 bucks. I've coated the area with baking soda hoping that'll help. I need to get this house SOLD!

Why is it that dreams come so close but stay just out of reach?

the POAS routine begins

2008-03-03T19:50:00.000-08:00

I started my OPKs today. I hate that they make them so dang hard to read! You'd think they could make a plus sign or diffrent colors or something. I know there are the digital smiley ones, but they are so expensive and I'd rather save any extra pennies for swimmers.

I spent today shampooing carpets. They were lots dirtier than I thought! I suppose that's what happens with 3 dogs tracking mud - the snow in the puppy pen is melting and it's turning into a swamp. I try to catch them with a towel on the way in, but that doesn't always work.

I'm a member of the NW Andrology message board. What a great group of ladies! I feel like I have a bunch of new friends who totally get what I'm going through. I'm keeping everything crossed for T, she so deserves a BFP, as does everyone, but she's the one I'm rooting for the most right now. I'm also SO excited for M, as she just got hers last month after trying for so long. Can't wait to hear if some of us are right about twins. Those two ladies are two of the sweetest people I've met - well from what I can tell from their posts. I'm glad I found that place, I think I'd be lost without those gals right now.

No bites yet on the house, I guess I need to be a little more paitent as it only went up last Friday. I just really want this new place to work out so our family can be togther again, and hopefully increase by one. If AI doesn't work out, we're going to try to adopt from the foster system. We'd have to have a bigger place to pass the homestudy and the place we're trying for would be ideal.

I should be doing my next IUI this Thursday. Send sticky baby dust and hope the swimmers arrive on time!

Day one

2008-03-02T02:44:00.001-08:00

I suppose my first entry should be exciting. But being that it's almost 3 AM it won't be.

Let me start by introducing the family:

Sadie is an 8 year old Swiss Mountain Dog mix, she is the princess of the house and acts every bit the part.
Then there are the "twins" who were born days apart but aren't related at all.
Abby is a 5 year old pitbull/sharpei/whippit/??? and can leap a 5 foot fence like a gazelle and looks a bit deerlike.
Maggie is a 5 year old border collie mix and the sweetest dog you'll ever meet

Then there are the cats.
Mystry is a 6 year old long haired tortishell and thinks she's a dog. She adores the dogs but hates the other cats passionately.
Scrap and Minx are brother and sister and look nothing alike, they are 4 years old and still sleep wrapped around each other - too cute.
Yodi is a Maine Coon mix, very handsome but dumb as a rock.
Bullseye (Bully) looks a bit like a bengal cat, but a little bit smaller, he's sweet but also not too bright.

Then there's me: I'm 40 and am on my 3rd IUI using donor sperm. My partner and I decided to put off me having a baby until her youngest son turned 18. We never thought it might be too late. Now I'm doing the Clomid thing every month and have become obseesed with the shade of lines on sticks.
My DP is currently living with her mother most of the time, due in part to her mother having some health problems and being very demanding of DP's time. Our official staus right now is "together but living apart". It sucks big time, but i'm trying hard to be paitent and understanding, thank goodness for the furbabies who keep me warm at night.

Hopefully in the next few months the family will be back together in a new (to us) home on 5 acres for the pups to run. Much better than the 954sqft place with hardly any yard we have now. Just have to get this place sold. If you know anyone in Central Oregon looking for a good deal, my house is priced below value with John L Scott.

That's us in a nutshell. I'm off to get some sleep.