Mama's Best Angel Girl

My Sadie passed away Tuesday night. I miss her so much and the other dogs are obviously grieving. I am however so thankful she was able to go naturally and in her own time. I had so many people pressuring me to euthanize her, but it just didn't feel right. I have spent the last few months doing doggie hospice with her and have hardly left her side in the last month.

In the end it was so very peaceful. I laid down with her at around 8 pm Tuesday for a snuggle. I dozed off lightly and when I awoke at 9:30 she was gone. I think it was her taking her last breath that woke me up, and i know there was no pain or struggle as I had my arms around her and would've woken up right away had there been.

Rest in peace my sweet girl, you were truly the best dog ever!

Just sad

My dear cyber sister's dream has ended in tragedy. Her babies didn't stick. I feel so bad for her, I know the pain she must be feeling. I also know she is so very strong and will someday come out the other side and find joy again, but for know I just hope she knows she is loved and supported, and in the thoughts and prayers of so many people.

A dream for a friend

So so Happy for Tammy and Mark. They are finally officially pregnant. Still hoping for my chance, so I have to admit it's bittersweet. It gives me hope, but there is that part of me that is plagued by the little green monster. I feel bad saying that, but Tammy and I were the last two of our NW friends. Now it's just me. Horrible aren't I? But I AM truly happy for her, she's gonna be a great mom and these are some lucky and loved babies!

It's Over

I feel like I've been punched in the stomachs an it's taken a few days to be able to say it, but, barring a miracle, my dream is dead.

After lots of tests the official, opinion is.....I have less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant using my own eggs. An egg donor is not an option unless I win the lottery, and I don't know anyone with any spare embryos in storage, and it seems that all the embryo adoption places want couples who have tons of money in the bank, though the actual process is less expensive than IVF.

so that's it...I am heartbrokenly done. I don't know what to do or how to go on.

Thinking of my dear cyber sister Tammy today who lost her beloved dog Eddie last night. I know that pain and emptiness, and hope that she and Mark are doing ok.

It's been a very long while, but there is new hope

First an update...

The Sadie situation turned out to be bittersweet..mostly sweet.

Turns out Roxy is not vicious and unpredictable..she is a cancer detector!

Sadie had cancer eating away at her foot...something I may not have known until too late since it was a back foot that she limps on anyway due to arthritic, dysplastic, hips, had it not been for the attack. Though I do wish Roxy had found a less violent way to tell me. Saie had surgery and, despite being minus a toe, she is fine and peace is restored. As SOON as the cancer was removed Roxy went back to throwing herself at Queen Sadie's feet. And has become quite a good little agility dog too. We compete for the first time next month.

In other news...there is real hope for my baby dream to come true...well at least hope. I will be able to do...drumroll...a round of IVF, two if I can find a shared risk program I qualify for. It will probably be happening Oct/Nov ish. I am excited and scared out of my mind....this is it, my one last shot. Wish me luck.

Update

I took Sadie to the vet, got her on antibiotics.

The new thoery is that Sadie may be sick...seriously sick as in possible cancer. And that Roxy is detecting some chemical change in her. The only way to find out is a bunch of tests I can't come close to affording. The $105 for a visit and antibiotics almost wiped out the checking account. It sucks to be on a limited income when things like this come up.

I have set up a seperate blog for Sadie. It will have updates and also a donation link for those who wish to donate. No pressure or obligation. If anyone is interested in following the Sadie story the link is http://savesadie.blogspot.com.

We had another mini incident tonight..no further injuries, but Roxy went for the exact same spot as before, Sadie's ear. Which leads me to believe the theory might be right.

This situation is killing me. It's not happening with any of the other dogs, and Sadie is my special one.

On the petting zoo front.

Okay, so one or two of my 3 or 4 readers probably know about the zoo that lives here. 4 dogs and 6 cats. Some of you might remember the addition last year of Roxy-pup, the darling little submissive lab. And then there's Sadie, the 10 year old leader of the pack.

And all that was true until yesterday. Yesterday the submissive darling decided she should be the leader of the pack. Now Sadie is a very large dog, so 10 is quite old for her breed which has an average life span (on paper) of 7-9 years. Sadie also had an artificial hip, and arthritis, and a playful streak that pops up here and there.

Scene: Mama and Sadie are playing in the growly way they always have - in which Sadie sounds like she is going to kill Mama, but instead licks her to death. Roxy the submissive darling comes to investigate/join in the fun - so I thought.

Instead Roxy attacks Sadie and despite Mama pulling her off repeatedly, hitting her with the chucket ball launcher plastic thing, yelling, etc, Roxy will not stop, she was a dog I didn't recognize in that moment. As Sadie yelps and screams, I finally get Roxy to stop and she runs to the other side of the yard. As I am trying to help Sadie up (her legs went out from under her, prompting Mama to freak about her hips) Roxy decides to come back and go after her from behind. Now keep in mind Sadie is twice Roxy's size, but it mattered not a bit as youth overpowered size.

I drug Roxy in the house and locked her in the bathroom, got Sadie inside and checked her over and discovered copious amounts of blood pouring from somewhere in the vicinity of her head. Turns out it was an ear, which in one way was comforting because ears can be only mildly injured and still bleed tons. After making sure there were no life threatening injuries, I let Roxy out of the bathroom, holding on to her of course, and she immediately acts like she wants to go in for round 2. I was bewildered to see my submissive baby behaving this way, when the day before she was cowing to Sadie's obvious authority as she had since 8 weeks old.

I put her on her back in the submissive position, and try to get Sadie to come over, to reestablish her authority. To which Sadie replied, with a clear look, "do you think I'm nuts Mom?"

I then took Sadie into the bathroom for a clearer look at her injury and to clean and treat. Upon closer inspection, the small tear I thought she had, turned out to be a rather nasty puncture wound. Clip, flush, clean with hibiclens, and apply lidocane antiseptic lotion. Call the vet. Today we are going in for antibiotics, a necessary precaution given her age and fragile health. And money i don't really have to spend, but anything for my baby. I love them all but Sadie is my #1.

The theory behind this incident - according to the vet - is that between 14-16 months some dogs suddenly decide they are top dog, even if they have been bottom dog for a year. And they get the mind set "I'll kill you to prove it". Also, since Roxy is so bonded to me, she may have thought Sadie was a threat to me, by all the growly play. My plan was to reestablish Sadie's position as top dog, I have been told this would be a mistake.

My problem now is that I am having a hard time seeing Roxy the same, or trusting her to be left alone with Sadie, or even to be in the same room. I know dogs feed off of their humans emotions and I don't want to make the problem worse by being nervous around them.

Not sure what to do....but i am really hoping this was an isolated incident.

As for Sadie, she is stiff and sore and obviously not happy today. Maybe the vet can give her something for pain.

And all this happened while Mama is trying to recover from the flu...supposedly not the porcine variety, but enough to have been on Tamaflu and in bed for the last week, and to end up in ER a few days ago with the most excruciating back pain and spasms I have ever felt. Apparently the flu can be tricky and settle in strange places and cause strange things. Valium is apparently the cure. I was feeling fairly good yesterday, until the fight, which i think set be back a day, at least i hope it's only a day.

Hope all of you are well
And did you notice not one mention of K in this post? No I haven't totally come to my senses and grown a backbone, but we haven't seen each other, and have hardly spoken in a week. probably because we've both slept most of the last week, she has the flu too. She was thrilled when the Doctor told me I was worse than she was. I was less than thrilled. Thrilled because Kelly is always the sickest one, so she was happy to be the healthier one this time.

Okay so I ALMOST made it through without a mention....that's progress, eh?

A little better

I managed to talk to K a little about how I was feeling. She is now going to sleep on a cot, alone. Or if the cot is too hard for her arthritis I'll take it and she can have the bed. This is her way of not choosing and of not having to confront her friend for being such a witch. But at least I won't have to spend my vacation dealing with subtle gloating from said witch. Btw..since Kelly made this decision, the friend has been around much less than usual. I think she's mad she didn't get her way this time...and yes I AM gloating on the inside!

Oh and I have been advised to retest for pregnancy...AF only stayed for 2 days.

More of the same

Well it's happening again. K's famously cruel friend has struck me another blow, and of course K blindly goes along. Why do I hang onto someone who obviously doesn't mean it when she calls me twice a day and says I love you? simple, if I didn't I would truly have NO ONE else in this town. I have no friends here and my friends from before here I've lost contact with over the last 10 years. I had hoped that doing agility with the pup would help me meet people, but so far not much in the way of frienships has developed.

We're all supposed to be going to Reno this Sunday. K, her friend and I were in the same room. The plan was for K and I to share one bed so the friend (who said she wanted to sleep alone) could have the other bed. In fact the friend - who's very bossy (not to mention a master liar and manipulator) is the one that said "K and E can share one bed....."
Now this week she told K that she(K) was sleeping with her. K told her no she was sleeping with me and the friend told her she can't. So what did K do....went along with her friend! this woman knows the sensitive nature of mine and K's relationship. She constantly puts K in a position to choose - usually a LOT more subtle than this - and then shoves it in my face , very subtly of course, constantly. K doesn't pick up on subtle things, never has, which is why this woman can be cruel right in front of people and come off smelling like a rose. If I get my feelings hurt is cause I'm too sensitive cause "she was just joking"

So what do I do? I really don't want to spend my vaction being made to feel bad. I don't know if I can stand being in the same room with them. But i don't want to give up a hundred dollar deposit and let everyone have a good time on my (partial) dime.

BFN...I give up. I can't afford to try anymore. Because of all the money i spent on trying, i won't be able to pay my property taxes this year. I give up on everything. Why am I even here?

Well..I've decided to give it another shot. This time I'm going back to swimmers from NW. I'm a little hurt by the forum there these days..the last time I posted it got over 50 veiws and not one response...so much for peer support eh? At least I met a faithful few there. Especially T who has supported me unwavering, and who I hope knows that she means alot to me and has given me hope when i was ready to give up so many times. Thanks.

L- I hope things are settling and that we can catch up soon, i miss your laugh.

to whom it may concern

BFN..after much hope and prayer and AF being late, creating more hope that the stick was wrong. I'm quickly approaching the giving up on everything phase. Why bother being kind and helpful and hoping for a karmic break in this life when it all keeps biting me in the a** time after time? I must've really pissed off someone in a past life...

God is great (even if it seems he hates me)...beer is (really) good (tonight) and people (especially me) are crazy.

Got this from Tammy's blog and it sounded fun

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you!

The offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will.
2- What I create will be just for you.
3- Apparently I have a year to get it to you, but hopefully it won't take that long!
4- You have no clue what it's going to be. It’s a surprise to both of us at this point.The catch?

You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.
So the first five people who comment, and are willing to pass it along, will get a handmade gift in the mail from me. When you get it, make sure you post a pic on your blog! Let's have some fun!

Little star

Roxy started agility training tonight and despite being the youngest dog by far in the class, she did awesome. The trainer said she had very good focus for a dog that just turned a year old 2 days ago. They had us already doing the baffle board and walking through the rungs of a ladder on the ground, plus jumping up on a box and sitting. I thought Roxy would be scared, but she was AWESOME. I'm very proud of my little star pupil!

TWW

Well, I am now officially in the dreaded two week wait. For some reason this ones harder. Maybe because i feel like this is it...my last chance. Or maybe I'm getting less paitent in my old age.

Happy Anniversary L&S. Love and miss you tons.

Well tomorrow i get back on the TTC railroad. please be sending baby dust at around noon PST.

In other news, i have a broken foor which is very inconvenient. Especially since Roxy starts agility on the 24th.

Sorry I don't update much...I read everyone's blogs, but it's sometimes hard to put my own craziness into words these days.

J died yesterday. I was with her through the night. It's the end of a chapter and I hope she is at peace and restored to full health and has joy in her heart now.

The more things change

Lots of changes here. I went to Arizona for 6 days, it was a nice break. The day after I got back J started exibiting signs of altered mental status. I took her into the ER and she had a uti which can cause altered status in the elderly. She never quite come out of it. The family left everything up to me and just after I found her a placement in a memory care center, they changed the plan and decided that K's brother and his partner would get an apt and take her to live with them.
Which changes alot of things for me....loss of income to put towards a baby, K now doesn't have to feel guilty for not being here (her words not mine), which probably means she won't ever be here even to visit. (I know L, perfect time to put your advice to work, and I'm going to really try). And I now have a huge empty 4 bedroom house. K and I picked this house out together, I probably wouldn't have ever bought it had I know she was going to flake in less than a year. Family emeshment is a powerful thing I guess and I'm realizing she's not going to be able to get and stay seperate from them at least until her mom is gone, maybe not even then.

that leaves me alone...I mean truly alone. I let all my friendships drift away after we got together so literally the only people I have here are K and her family. I don't even know how to start developing a support network. I think right now my self esteem and confidence are so shot, it's scary to even try to get out and meet people.

I need to get rid of the couches that the puppy chewed up, but can't get them to the dump trailer alone. I really need to conserve finances since I'm back down to living on $700 a month. So paying someone to do anything is kinda out.

I want to be an independant woman and be able to finish the repairs on the house and do the yard and everything all by myself, but I'm just not sure if I can.

I guess doing one small thing at a time is better than doing nothing at all.

A little update

finally sold the van! now i can pay off most of the bills they left. I basically have put my foot down - don't fall over L - and told everyone that they and their stuff has to be out of the trailer by the 20th, that gives me 10 days to get everything fixed and hopefully list it july 1st.

My neice T, just gave me a great-neice (I'm way to young to be great!) Alaya Nicole, who is as pretty as her mama. And yes it's hard for me to deal with her having #2 while I'm still waiting for #1. On that fron't I'm going to hopefully TTC mid june using a donor from Canada that I found through a yahoo group. I have to buy a biotranz kit and send it to him, SOON.

My birthday is tomorrow which the last few years just depresses me because it's one year older and less fertile.

And for my rant today: I cannot believe that octo-witch is getting a show! That woman deserves a CPS investigation, not a paycheck!

okay..i'm done
love to my 2 loyal readers and any lurkers who happen by.