sigh

I just want to give up on everything right now. It seems to be a pattern with me that nothing good lasts. Of course I'm emotionally drained right now and my heart feels like it weighs a ton, so my judgement may be a bit impaired.

Maybe I just don't deserve to be happy. Maybe my purpose is to be used and let down by everyone else. I just don't know what to trust in anymore. Or what to hope for.

a heart full of daggers

this post is just a song, but it kinda says it all. The witch "friend" seems to be winning...:

I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

There's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay

And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

She's out!

Kelly got out of the hospital today. I can finally breathe. The "friend" is still being a witch, but I'm trying hard to take the higher road. I just don't get it. The important thing is that Kelly's okay, The rest is just trivial.
Thanks everyone for your support.

this post has no title, the author is too exausted to think of one.

This will be a quickie. K had a heart attack Sunday night. She had to have double bypass surgery today and thank God she's ok. Sore but ok. I've been living at the hospital because she hasn't wanted me away from her...not that I could leave anyway with my girl in there. She's in CCU and they don't allow overnights so I have been ordered (by the nurses) home to bed. I'm going to get a few hours then go back before shift change.

Thanks to all the NW ladies, esp Tam and Cindy for the support and offers of shoulders and ears. You guys are the best and it means the world to me. And thanks to my best scrappy friend for being my touchstone once again ~HUGS~

It's 2 am, I'm gouing to try to sleep.

Counting the spots

4 days left in the TWW, I'm mostly trying to pretend nothing is happening. maybe if I expect nothing, and look forward to nothing, then SOMETHING will come. Reverse Psycology I guess.

Things have been pretty chaotic around here. K's mom was just diagnosed with stage 3 renal failure, which I'm told is pretty bad. yets she continues to sit in her chair and smoke all day, only getting up to use the bathroom, while her loyal subjects wait on her hand and foot. K hasn't been taking care of herself at all either, she's not taking her meds like she should and she's sleeping alot. And doesn't really care right now. She's obviously depressed, all the stress of that house is getting to her yet she refuses to come home because they "need" her. It's so hard watching the person I love most self destruct slowly right in front of me and not be able to do a damn thing.

I've decided I need to concentrate on getting myself as healthy as possible and persue my dream of motherhood. but it's hard not o go over there everyday and try to take some of the stress away from K. But then the stress ends up on me, which is not good at all.

Good news is the weather has finally decided to be spring like so maybe I can plant some pretty flowers outside.

Back to the TWW

I did 2 vials at home this time. one at 19 hours and one at 31 hours. I used preseed for the second one - I didn't have it for the first cause I had a hard time finding it in my town. This cycle was really weird, so I'm not sure if I timed things right or not. My opk was only positive for a day and a half, so the second AI might have been after ovulation..I just hope one of the swimmers catches that egg!

In other news, my shoulder is slowly getting better, which is good since I'm coaching bocce for Special O again this year. This time I'm head coach and practice starts this weekend. It would be nice if I could at least show the new kids how to throw. We've got 20 pairs this year so it should be total chaos until I get everbody organized. Luckily I have at least one good assistant coach..though one of the others is back from last year and he was almost as difficult as some of the athletes! It should be a good season, or at least an interesting one!