on again off again

Well....
Thanksgving has come and gone. So has Chistmas. And in between the two, K's son. Guess he decided he wasn't ready to get his life together after all..or something.

Hope all of you have had a wonderful Holiday season. I've been following along in your blogs, just haven't had the energy to post here I guess.

I've been dealing with alot of depression. Seems I find hope or a hint of happier times on the horizon and it goes.

I had renters in the old house, which meant I could get back to ttc next month..I thought. Well the renters went out of town on a family emergency and it looks like they aren't coming back. Which means no $600 rent coming next month which means no money for swimmers, ultrasounds and trigger shots. I wonder if God is telling me something since AF decided to put in a repeat appearance today. 15 days after her last one. I know there is no way I O'd on cd 1 last time so I'm wondering how to count this one. It seems like everytime I decide to try again after taking a break, my body goes haywire on me. Been regular as can be for 6 months now....

We were hoping to come up with money despite the disappearing renters. They're relatives of K's and left alot behind. She's saying she's going to sell it to pay the bills they also left behind, and put toward ttc. Time will tell if that actually happens or not. The suspicion is that they went back to Phoenix and the drugs, which means we won't see them again until they want something from us. I bet you can guess what my answer will be.

I'm feeling a stonger and stronger pull towards adopting...specifically adopting from Ethiopia. But I don't even know if that's a possibility for me. I'm afraid of telling my self that adoption of any kind is an option. I'm doubtful I can meet anybody's requirements. I have alot of love paitence and dedication to give to a child, but not alot of money or material goods. although if can find an agency willing to take into consideration the fact that there will be a trust fund for any child of mine from day one, then there is hope. Unfortunately, the money for that fund can't be accessed to make a baby.

Anyway, sorry for the long absence then the dreary post. Here's to a brighter and blessed 2009 for everyone. And I'll keep you posted..I mean it this time.

Wow, it's been a while.

Things have been busy here. we're finally settled (well almost) into the new house. We have a new fur baby - a 12 week old purebred chocolate lab. I've never had a purebred before, but we plan to breed her when she's 2 and right now she's all fun, snuggles and chewed shoes. In about a week K's middle son will be living with us to try and get a new start on life. He's 21 and has always been our troubled child..also the one who i developed and instant soft spot for the first time I looked into those 13 yo big brown eyes.

On the mommyhood front. We've finishe foster classes but will wait till J gets out and on his home before having the homestudy. Meanwhile...drumroll......

I'm jumping back on the TTC train in Jan. !!! I've rented out the old house which frees us finances somewhat so I'll be able to afford a few more trys. I'll probably have to go through a whole nother round of testing since I'm now a year older, but hopefully this will be the time.

I've been keeping up on everyones blogs and you are all in my prayers. T and especially L get extra prayers these days.
love to all.

Finally

We've moved!!! We're in the new house! It's still of course in a cluttered half unpacked shambles, but we're in!

The dogs are loving the back yard, running and playing so much that Abby is limping from a pulled muscle in her haunch. They are so funny to watch, and it's smile making to see them so free and able to run and play.

We start foster classes in Nov. the current class was too full so we got bumped. We might try one more time with IU and trigger shots, if we can find another donor we like since the one we used last seems to be gone now.

Hope all my cyber sisters are well and I look forward to catching up

love you all

Delays

We didn't get to move this weekend. We won't close now until Wednesday, which totally sucks since I'm leaving Thursday morning for a 5 day trip to WA to visit my sister (aka the crisis queen)

This means that we won't be able to actually get things moved until Labor Day weekend. ~sigh~ This also means that this place won't be back in showable condition till about mid September. ~double sigh~

We are doing foster training (Kelly for the 1st time and me retaking all of it with her and picking up the one class I missed.) It starts sometime in september...so far no one can give me dates of course! Stupid DHS office people! The hope is to eventually adopt, since it looks like TTC may be permanantly out of reach.

It's hard for me to give up the dream of carrying a child, knowing it from birth, breastfeeding, choosing a name, and being part of first smiles and first steps and first words. But I guess being a mama is what counts in the end....

disorganization

I am really wishing lately that I was one of those ultra organized, get things done, kind of people. I am the complete opposite. The new house closes in less than a 2 weeks and I have only accomplished what feels like haphazzard packing. a few shelves of this cupbord or that, most of the blankets, sheets and winter clothes, some of the knick knacks....

Realistically I don't have to get it all done before the move, because this house hasn't sold yet. But the sooner it's empty, the quicker it will sell and let's face it, prime selling season is almost over.

No news on the baby front..except sadness that I may have to give up the dream.

I miss my friend L...

A brief update

We ended up not getting the house we thought we were getting. The sellers started asking for rediculous things and the house wasn't financable the way they claimed. BUT we did find another and unless karma bites me in the ass again we should be moving to a 4 bedroom STICK BUILT not mobile 1958 house at the end of August. Still need to get this one sold, but that should be easier when the all the furry inhabitants and junk are out of it. The one drawback is there is only 1 bathroom in the new place.

On the baby front...for now I'm out. I'm not sure at this point if I'll ever get to be back in. We're still going to persue foster care and hopefully adopt from there.

tainted gold

got the house, but my house isn't sold after all...things are going to be tight for awhile, but I don't want to lose the new one. In other news BFN. I'm not sure where to go next. there won't be any money to try again for who knows how long and I'm getting older by the second. I've cried for 2 days now.

finally coming together?

Things have been really busy. We found the perfect house...it's not 5 acres but the house is much better than the 5 acre one. The yard is a good size for the puppies and it has....GRASS! Real live green grass..not like the dirt and scrub that, unless you have money for a professional gardener, most yards end up with here. We put in an offer that we were sure they'd take, 5000 or so higher than the other offer that went in the same day. They countered back to BOTH. Pins and needles here. It looks like my house is sold..the woman won't have the money (USDA loan) for 60 to 90 days but wants to rent from me until then. That's possible if I get this place, but until then I have to live here. And for those inquiring minds, yes K is planning on coming home to the new house. What's nice is it's actually in a diffrent town..still only 20 minutes away but it feels alot farther.

On the baby front. 6/7 had ultrasound- one 22-23 follicle one 15 and a few 12's. Doc said go ahead and trigger. That was a comedy with K trying to give me the shot. She forgot to hold the skin tight the first time and to quote her "OMG it bounced off!" She was scared to do it after that, but finally did. OW those things hurt, the needle is huge! 6/8 (Sunday) we go for the IUI the doc comes in and says there are at least 50 million swimmers in the sample!!! YAY! he said "This one's definiately a stud not a dud".
Fast forward one week, I'm having pinchy type pains on the left side and middle of my abdomen. I keep trying to tell my self it's not implantation, just gas. But it's hard not to hope.

Maybe things are finally going to turn my way. Maybe I'll be get to be happy now!

Happy Birthday to me

It's been such and up and down week. S decided last Thurs that she didn't like the couple she was supposed to be giving the baby to, so she backed out. Then she approached K who actually went to see and hold the baby. Big mistake. I could've held and saw her too, but I told K that if she was going to be my daughter, I wanted to be with her every second in NICU, but if she's not I don't want to see her or know anything. We offered them our terms for a legal adoption, in writing. Right now it looks like they've found a new highest bidder. K has been crying and raging since Sunday. I've been crying, but glad I didn't see her.

Today I turned 41 - yuck. I have to say though that K and her family really took me by surprise. They had a party for me complete with cake presents and cards. In the 7 years we've been together I have never gotten a party or presents and cards from any of them but K. It made me very weepy. K was very sweet and loving and gave me a card that basically said "I love you very much and always will" She whispered to me as I was leaving "I meant what the card said, read it again." Again made me cry. The two of us laughed alot today which was nice and M and S stayed in their room during my party - which was also nice since I don't want to be around them right now.

I get back on the TTC train this week and will be doing ultrasounds and trigger shot for the first time..now to decide - quickly - which donor to use. I realized today that I have to order tomorrow and hope they can get it here by friday. YIKES! Hopefully if I order first thing in the AM they can do it.

That's all for now folks....

Yuck

Well it started yesterday. My body releasing copious amounts of no-longer-a-baby. which means in a few weeks I can get back on the rollercoaster.

S (K's SIL) had the babyMonday, a little girl, and as predicted is adopting it out to the highest bidder. K and I actually were in the room with her when they induced her labor. We're sadists I think. I don't know if we thought since we were there they'd all of a sudden be human and give us the baby or what. After all what's family and compassion compared to money?
She's back at the MIL's house and I can hardly stand to look at her or M (k's brother) and my darling MIL is gushing and worrying all over them while I silently crumble and bleed.

Sometimes I wonder if being in this family is worth the pain....

Update

The second test came with strange results. Apparently I was pregnant, but now I'm not, but my body doesn't know I'm not so I have to take hormones to convince it. This is all heart wrenching. Things with K and I are, as usual, up and down and going in circles, which is also heart wrenching.

I think I'm only going to try one or 2 more times to conceive. I don't think I can handle more than that financially - or emotionally.

My best friend just had a gorgeous baby girl, I'm thrilled, but jealous as h***.

more uncertainty

from my post on the NW board

My dr called today to tell me that the nurse who'd ordered my blood test yesterday jumped the gun. That it is still too early for a positive to show up. She said I might still be preg after all and wants the test repeated next week. She thinks the bleeding last week could be implantation since I had no other AF symptoms. Instead of feeling hopeful I cried and told K I don't know if I can do this anymore. Between the broken adoption promise and what I thought were BFNs 3 times now I've mourned alot already this month. I'm afraid to hope again, but it's so hard not to!

Well let see...
I AI'd last Sat. I think I O'd last Monday and last Thurs i started bleeding..who knows what the heck is going on. I'm stressed and depressed and trying to figure out which direction to go in with pretty much my whole life. Where to go when I sell the house. Why K is still friends with the witch and still staying out there when she could stay at her aunts.
She bought me a carseat yesterday. That's kinda confusing. She says it's so I'll be ready for my home study when the time comes. So I of course bought a stroller.

S is in labor as we speak..she approached me again about adopting it. But there are limited funds and I need to make sure it's all legal. She's done this before so she claims all we have to do is go before a judge and she'll give up her rights and then from there I can apply to adopt. I'm sure it has to be more complicated than that. She'd be happy if baby selling was legal. Then she could just get handed money and hand me the baby. Actually at this point I'd be happy if it was that simple.

Anyway the whole thing is excruciating. I feel like I'm at my wits end with everything and everyone. I guess things will work out how they supposed to. I think I'm just afraid that supposed to and my heart are very diffrent things.

I'm tired of being down. I'm tired of having only depressing things to write in my blog, which is why there are so few entrys lately. And thanks T for always having encouraging words for me. You're one of the things keeping me going right now.

sigh

I just want to give up on everything right now. It seems to be a pattern with me that nothing good lasts. Of course I'm emotionally drained right now and my heart feels like it weighs a ton, so my judgement may be a bit impaired.

Maybe I just don't deserve to be happy. Maybe my purpose is to be used and let down by everyone else. I just don't know what to trust in anymore. Or what to hope for.

a heart full of daggers

this post is just a song, but it kinda says it all. The witch "friend" seems to be winning...:

I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

There's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay

And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

She's out!

Kelly got out of the hospital today. I can finally breathe. The "friend" is still being a witch, but I'm trying hard to take the higher road. I just don't get it. The important thing is that Kelly's okay, The rest is just trivial.
Thanks everyone for your support.

this post has no title, the author is too exausted to think of one.

This will be a quickie. K had a heart attack Sunday night. She had to have double bypass surgery today and thank God she's ok. Sore but ok. I've been living at the hospital because she hasn't wanted me away from her...not that I could leave anyway with my girl in there. She's in CCU and they don't allow overnights so I have been ordered (by the nurses) home to bed. I'm going to get a few hours then go back before shift change.

Thanks to all the NW ladies, esp Tam and Cindy for the support and offers of shoulders and ears. You guys are the best and it means the world to me. And thanks to my best scrappy friend for being my touchstone once again ~HUGS~

It's 2 am, I'm gouing to try to sleep.

Counting the spots

4 days left in the TWW, I'm mostly trying to pretend nothing is happening. maybe if I expect nothing, and look forward to nothing, then SOMETHING will come. Reverse Psycology I guess.

Things have been pretty chaotic around here. K's mom was just diagnosed with stage 3 renal failure, which I'm told is pretty bad. yets she continues to sit in her chair and smoke all day, only getting up to use the bathroom, while her loyal subjects wait on her hand and foot. K hasn't been taking care of herself at all either, she's not taking her meds like she should and she's sleeping alot. And doesn't really care right now. She's obviously depressed, all the stress of that house is getting to her yet she refuses to come home because they "need" her. It's so hard watching the person I love most self destruct slowly right in front of me and not be able to do a damn thing.

I've decided I need to concentrate on getting myself as healthy as possible and persue my dream of motherhood. but it's hard not o go over there everyday and try to take some of the stress away from K. But then the stress ends up on me, which is not good at all.

Good news is the weather has finally decided to be spring like so maybe I can plant some pretty flowers outside.

Back to the TWW

I did 2 vials at home this time. one at 19 hours and one at 31 hours. I used preseed for the second one - I didn't have it for the first cause I had a hard time finding it in my town. This cycle was really weird, so I'm not sure if I timed things right or not. My opk was only positive for a day and a half, so the second AI might have been after ovulation..I just hope one of the swimmers catches that egg!

In other news, my shoulder is slowly getting better, which is good since I'm coaching bocce for Special O again this year. This time I'm head coach and practice starts this weekend. It would be nice if I could at least show the new kids how to throw. We've got 20 pairs this year so it should be total chaos until I get everbody organized. Luckily I have at least one good assistant coach..though one of the others is back from last year and he was almost as difficult as some of the athletes! It should be a good season, or at least an interesting one!

Temporarily a leftie

I'm typing with my left hand so you'll hve to excuse any typos. I injured my right shoulder (more on that later) o they have me in a "shoulder immobilizer" should be called a whole right arn immobilizer since thats what it is.

K was wonderful this weekend. Everytime I'm ready to give up on her she does something to remind me why I don't. She took me out Friday to get my mind off of things. we went to the casino with the whole family and she handed me a hundred bucks to gamble with. She just got her taxes back so she was in a sending mood. I didn't double it like I hoped and handed her back $40 at the end of the night. Saturday we got a new tire for the dump trailer finally. I've been telling her since lat Wed (BFN day) that I really needed her to come spend some time at home, that I needed to be held and to feel like things were going to be ok. Well as of Saturday she hadn't made it over - there was always a reason. When she was leaving to drive her brother home she said she still didn't know if she was going to make it back to stay the night because her son might be renting a movie. I got hurt enough to finally say what was on my mind "Baby, there's always a reason you can't be there when I need you". She got mad and snapped "I'll be back" and I told her if she was going to come back out of anger, don't bother. Then I went in and cried. She called an hour later and was very sweet and asked me to come over for chinese and then bring her back in my car so her mom and brother could use hers. She then went on to tell me how much she loved me and that she wasn't angry. I think I hit a nerve and she did some thinking and realized I was right. It was really nice to have her home, the furbabies were thrilled too. We did alot of nothing, then went to bed because her brother was coming early and we were going to do a makeover on the front deck. He showed up earler than he was supposed to and woke us up. Poor Kelly had to deal with tears from me cause I didn't get cuddle time that morning. She handled it well and cuddled me for a few minutes after letting her brother in the house.

The deck looks FABULOUS! New gate that Abby dog can't jump, clean white lattice all around. I almost don't want to sell the house - I told the realtor (who came to take new pics) that if the people who bought it were planning on tearing the deck down I wanted to take the gate and lattice with me. K financed all $300 of job - she can be so sweet sometimes. That brings me to my shoulder. I was pulling out a nail (that i was told NOT to try to pull) with all my might (don't ever tell me I can't) when the nail came out, sending me flying and landing with my butt wedged in a big flower pot. The flower pot and I then went over the side of the deck and I landed on my back (I think). K yelled out "BAAABE" at first cause she thought I might be dead. After she and J picked me up and realized I was mostly ok (K -"Look how close you were to that board full of rusty nails") and finished laughing at my comical acrobatics (J -"Can you do it again so I can tape it?") Then K started yelling in a diffrent way ("You were told not to try to pull that one, do you know what could've happened? I oughta smack you for scaring me!") Ah the love. My back neck and shoulder all suffered and yesterday I realized that my shoulder was hurt beyond just muscle soreness so I went in to the Urgent Care. 3 x-rays and one immobilzer later..I tore something in my shoulder. So now I'm one handed.

And she got me an Easter basket.. I am loved after all.

don't know what to say

I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster, and that there's no way off and nobody's hand to hold onto alot of the time. I doubt this stress is good for TTC.

I'm wondering alot about what's going on in my body these days. Is my lining too thin? Maybe it wants to implant but it can't. if that's the case then I need to do something or it's just a waste of time to try. I know I'm ovulating cause the sticks turn colors, and the timing for the last 2 has been good. My head says maybe it's not meant to be, but my heart screams that that can't be possible. My heart screams alot these days about a few things. Which is why not a whole lot is getting done.

Spring is coming so things have to get better, right?

Bfn again

I tested this morning with high hopes, AF still hadn't shown. It was negative but i was still okay, after all nothings over till AF shows. Two hours later she came and I spent the rest of the day on the couch crying. I wish I lived somewhere where I had more choices of doctors. Mine doesn't seem to do anything. I hear other people going for ultrasounds and testing the thickness of their lining. My doctor's plan is "take your clomid and call us when you O". I think I need more, but more is expensive and I only have enough left in the fund for 3 more IUIs. There's just not the thousands for specialists. I wonder how expensive injectables are. I thik my insurance would pay for ultrasounds, after all an ultrasound could be for anything, it doesn't neccesarily fall under infertility treatment - which they don't cover. Mybe I'll call Portland Reproductive and ask what they charge for a consult. It might be worth a drive over the mountain, if I can come up with the money.

I'm feeling really sad, and I'm trying really hard not to fall into the "no hope" trap though it's calling pretty loudly right now.

I think K is trying to redeem herself. She took me out for coffee and dessert last night then came over till 3am to hang out. Then this morning she came over again and we got some stuff done. She always seems to step up when I'm about to give up on her. It's nice, but frustrating sometimes too, cause if she'd just be that way to start then there wouldn't be a problem. I can tell she was feeling guilty.

AF still hasn't showed up, I did a dollar store test this evening and it was negative. I'm oping it's just too soon. I had a dream during my nap this afternoon that I did 5 tests and 2 were positive. The rest of the dream was just about telling people. When I woke up i had to pee so I figured what the heck and tested. Now I'm depressed.

As far as the board goes, I'm not responding to anything negative at all anymore. I hope other people do the same or it sounds like we might lose it. I wish we could come up with a way to remind each other to not respond. Instead we should just respond to all the other posts and force the negativity to page 2.

I hope this month goes well for everyone. I hope the world settles down. It sounds childish but i just want peace everywhere.

For the record

There's more drama on the board ~sigh~ it's such a great place if you can ignore the drama. Unfortunately I think I accidently got caught in some. Some of the ladies started a yahoo group to have a back up in case admin got fed up and closed the boards. I was asked to join and felt flattered and did. However I have never posted, mostly because it quickly seemed to turn into "let's have a club that the popular kids can't be in" and putting down people on the board for things they can't even help. I happen to think all people are equal and alot of the most meaningful support I've gotten has been from people not in that group. It's sad really to have us divided like this, but I won't be taking part in that group, I just wanted to say for the record, I was invited, but will not be participating. And just to be clear, I have nothing against anybody who participates in that group, I think some of them are great and others I don't really know, I just personally would rather stick to giving and getting support for TTC and developing friendships with kindred spirits no matter which "group" they happen to fall into.

On to other news: I'm still sick, trying not to kill myself by doing too much, but there's so much to get done and it's becoming obvious I'm on my own. I'm trying to be tough and not let the sads get to me, but it's hard. I'm praying alot, just asking for guidance and the ability to accept what will be. Whatever that is.

2 days - actually a day and a half till testing. Unfortunately I think I'm feeling the beginning of AF symptoms. Dammit, I need something to go right!

Thanks to all of you who have lended support, it means more than you know.

Blah

I have pneumonia again. The doc said it's most likely from stress and overdoing it, instead of staying down long enough after I started recovering from the last time. I'm afraid to take any of the stuff they gave me, even though she said it shouldn't be a problem, just in case I get my BFP this week.

I'm also beginning to realize my dream of having us all back as a family might not be shared. Maybe I just need to face up to the fact that my status isn't having a DP who doesn't live with me right now, but that if I'm lucky enough to have a child I'll be doing it alone.

I just think if she cared she'd make more of an effort to keep her word, or at least call and apologize for not keeping it. If it happened only occasionally it would be different, but it happens almost everytime she says she'll be there for me, and it seems to only happen when it comes to me, she always keeps her commitments to other people. She's admitted in the past that it's easier for her to let me down because she knows I love her unconditionally and I'll forgive her. But I would think that if she means it when she says "I love you" she'd at least make an effort or give me the respect of a phone call and an apology.

I'm feeling pretty low today. If you read all of this you deserve a cookie. Unfortunately you'll have to visit T's blog for one, cause I'm to tired to bake.

Poem from the NW board

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother

Mixed

I had custody of K's great nieces, now aged 10 and 11 for almost 2 years. They went back to live with their mom, who supposedly had gotten off drugs and cleaned up her life, last September. Well within a month they were living in a cheap hotel room, not in school, and mom was using. They were in AZ and I'm in OR so I couldn't just go grab them like I wanted to. Apparently a few months ago the State was going to step in so they were whisked off to live with a great Uncle that I didn't know existed until it happened. Losing the girls felt like part of my heart was ripped out and I have been really angry and feeling like I let them down ever since.

Today I got a phone call. Apparently the mom is in huge trouble for welfare fraud and tax fraud and the police are not only looking for her (I have no idea where she is, but the girls aren't with her) but also for the girls. Now all of K's family wants to go get them and bring them up here to live with me again. Which is fine, I love them and they will always have a home with me. The main problem is that I can't afford to financially support them right now. When they were here before they got medical benifits from the state, but I was told because I'm not related by blood or legal marriage that I couldn't get any cash assistance for them. I was also told I should try to have myself made their foster mom then I could get some financial help as a foster parent. I'm not sure how to go about doing that with kids that are already in my home - or will be soon.

Also I feel a little used by the family. These people have never extended a hand to help or support me unless they wanted something from me. Today felt the same, all of a sudden it was "what needs to be done on the house in the next few days so you can sell it and get a 3 bedroom?" When I've been trying for weeks to get help and everyone's been too busy or things come up.

I'm really feeling mixed. Happy to maybe be getting my girls back, but hurt and angry over feeling used.

Options

I just found out that I can start foster/adopt classes on April 19th. I'm not giving up on the dream of having my own quite yet, but I want to keep all options open and they only do the classes once or twice a year in this town.

Today was pretty boring. Did a ton of laundry and had lunch with K. then came home and cleaned out the fridge and washed all the shelves and bins real good.

The petting zoo increased by one today. The cat I gave to my step daughter ended up being more than she could handle so it's back with me and the gang now. I should mention that my step daughter is developmentally disabled, and thogh she lives independently and functions quite well, sometimes things like remembering to clean the cat box tend to slip her mind. Oh well we tried. I told her it's still her cat, it just lives at my house. She wants to buy a bag of litter and a bag of food every month so she feels like he's still hers. On my budget who am I to say no?

I'm trying really hard to not even think about whether or not I'm preg. An almost impossible feat, but I'm trying. My dreams however are not cooperating at all! I'm having baby dreams all night every night!

My counter is a day off I think. It should be 7 days not 6. since my IUI was last Wednesday.

I hope things start looking up for everyone I care about. Spring is almost here it's time for happiness and light!

more hurt

BFN for T. What a sad day. I'm not even sure I want to test when it's time. My time and funds are so limited to try for a BFP. But I'll almost feel bad if I get it after what's happened today.

I'm sure there's a reason for all of it, but it just makes me feel really sad right now.

feeling heart

My heart is hurting for M and N right now. It's so unfair after all they've been through. I really hope that they don't totally give up on the dream of parenthood, though right now I'm sure it's too painful to think about trying again.

I'm praying for good news for T tomorrow, we need something to be happy about.

It's 2:15 AM...I think I'm going to try to get some sleep.

confidence inspiring

With everything else happening I forgot to tell about my IUI and the confidence inspiring Dr I had (NOT)

They were calling in a doctor to do it and I was to report at 2:30. This would be my 3rd IUI and 3rd diffrent Dr (same clinic) doing it. When I get there and they go to run my credit card the receptionist told me that they have a new system and mines the first card she's done. 10 minutes and 3 people later they finally get it to go through. Then they take be back to a room and tell me to strip from the waist down and give me that oh so chic paper thing to go over my lap.
So I'm sitting there half naked with a large napkin for shelter for about 15 minutes when a nurse I've never seen comes in and says "Dr Clark was in the building for about 3 minutes and got called back to the hospital to deliver a baby. We're trying to find someone else to do your IU." Then she asks if I'm comfortable! Another 10 minutes passes and a different nurse comes in to tell me that they have a doc to do it, but she's in with a paitent and will be with me shortly.

Finally after another 15 minutes the doctor comes in with yet another different nurse (no shortage of nurses obviously!) and the first thing she says is "I don't usually do these" then after I'm in position she informs me from between my legs "whenever I've done these before I've had another doctor looking over my shoulder telling me what I'm doing wrong. " If I hadn't just spent over $500 on sperm, shipping and the IUI, I would've been tempted to jump off the table. Luckily the cath slipped right in and (I think) she managed to get the swimmers in the right place. Her parting word were " I hope they swim north, on the slide they were going kinda southeast."

Hopefully this comedy of errors will result in a BFP!

Damn Dogs

I got so mad at the pups today! They're normally pretty good, but sometimes they just go nuts and act like the worst dogs ever. This morning was one of those times.

I got up and decided to make a quick trip to the grocery store for OJ and donuts. While I was gone the dogs decided to get into the garbage and drag it all over. While I was on my hands and knees grouching at them and picking up garbage, they decided to nose open the box and eat half my donuts. Needless to say I was almost ready to call the pound!

I haven't been feeling well the last couple days - crampy and achy and sleepy. That's probably making me have a lower frustration tolerance too.

Please continue to pray and think positive thoughts for M and N. They really need them right now.

Oh and readership count is now 4...so cool!

After all the excitement of the last few days, there's not much to write about. I'm crampy today, and a little grouchy. I'm thinking lots today about some of my friends on the boards who are having some rough times. I wish everything could just work out wonderfully for everyone always.

In critter news, I bought a training collar off of ebay. I'm hoping I can get away with just one, and train Abby then use it for Maggie.

K is supposed to come help tonight, but I'm not counting on it. I think it's going to be a "something came up" night. I know she's busy getting ready to go for the weekend, but I still feel a little unimportant.

It's Official

I am now in the Two Week Wait (TWW)! YAY!!!

I'm also cramping like crazy so this will be the only update tonight.

Can't hardly wait

This is such a pins and needles day!!! I did a FMU OPK ( for you non-TTC folk thats: I did an ovulation predictor kit using first morning urine - ain't ya glad ya asked?) and it was VERY positive. then i did another at around 10:30 - still very positive. And yes I am so anxious today that I did a third...you guessed it it was positive. Okay so I'm obseesed.

I waited anxiously for the doctors office to call and tell me that my swimmers were there and to come in. Finally at about 12:30 I called NW to see if they could tell me where they were. They said my doctor's receptionist had signed for them at 10:30! GRRR! I called the doc and of course they said they'd call back. 15minutes later the triage nurse called and said they were paging a doctor (not mine) to see when he could come in to do the IUI. There are 5 doctors in this clinic and none of the ones there could find a few minutes to do it??

So now I'm back to waiting for the phone to ring.

The other pins and needles thing is that M is at this moment going for her u/s..can't wait to see those results!

I now have 3 readers, gigglebaby, another sweetheart from the boards, has honored me by stopping by. Thanks!

I'll update again later.

Quick update

I have 2 readers!!! I'm so happy! Thanks T and L, you guys made my day! I'm thinking of making this invite only, then I can use real names instead of initials. I just don't want to put my friend's names out there for the general population.

Okay, the update. The second OPK was also positive. The Drs office said they'd call me as soon as my swimmers get to the office and squeeze me in. I really hope it's not too late! I'll test again in the morning to make sure it's still positive.

Thinking lots of M today, they're ahead so we'll hear results tomorrow, come on TWINS!!! Only 6days to go for T, I'm so pulling for that sweet girl. COME ON BFP!!!

One of the ladies from the board is sending me the "Take Charge of Your Fertility" book, I can't wait to read it.

I just did an opk, but forgot to check it within 10 minutes. I thinkit was more like 20. It says positive..which is not good because the swimmers won't arrive till tomorrow! CRAP CRAP CRAP! I wonder if it's wrong cause I waited so long. I'll do another in a couple hours.

I spent most of yesterday cleaning the carpets I thought quite thoroughly, but this morning the house stunk! I think the Rug doctor sucked all the dog and cat smell to the surface, but didn't quite get rid of it. that was a waste of $30 bucks. I've coated the area with baking soda hoping that'll help. I need to get this house SOLD!

Why is it that dreams come so close but stay just out of reach?

the POAS routine begins

I started my OPKs today. I hate that they make them so dang hard to read! You'd think they could make a plus sign or diffrent colors or something. I know there are the digital smiley ones, but they are so expensive and I'd rather save any extra pennies for swimmers.

I spent today shampooing carpets. They were lots dirtier than I thought! I suppose that's what happens with 3 dogs tracking mud - the snow in the puppy pen is melting and it's turning into a swamp. I try to catch them with a towel on the way in, but that doesn't always work.

I'm a member of the NW Andrology message board. What a great group of ladies! I feel like I have a bunch of new friends who totally get what I'm going through. I'm keeping everything crossed for T, she so deserves a BFP, as does everyone, but she's the one I'm rooting for the most right now. I'm also SO excited for M, as she just got hers last month after trying for so long. Can't wait to hear if some of us are right about twins. Those two ladies are two of the sweetest people I've met - well from what I can tell from their posts. I'm glad I found that place, I think I'd be lost without those gals right now.

No bites yet on the house, I guess I need to be a little more paitent as it only went up last Friday. I just really want this new place to work out so our family can be togther again, and hopefully increase by one. If AI doesn't work out, we're going to try to adopt from the foster system. We'd have to have a bigger place to pass the homestudy and the place we're trying for would be ideal.

I should be doing my next IUI this Thursday. Send sticky baby dust and hope the swimmers arrive on time!

Day one

I suppose my first entry should be exciting. But being that it's almost 3 AM it won't be.

Let me start by introducing the family:

Sadie is an 8 year old Swiss Mountain Dog mix, she is the princess of the house and acts every bit the part.
Then there are the "twins" who were born days apart but aren't related at all.
Abby is a 5 year old pitbull/sharpei/whippit/??? and can leap a 5 foot fence like a gazelle and looks a bit deerlike.
Maggie is a 5 year old border collie mix and the sweetest dog you'll ever meet

Then there are the cats.
Mystry is a 6 year old long haired tortishell and thinks she's a dog. She adores the dogs but hates the other cats passionately.
Scrap and Minx are brother and sister and look nothing alike, they are 4 years old and still sleep wrapped around each other - too cute.
Yodi is a Maine Coon mix, very handsome but dumb as a rock.
Bullseye (Bully) looks a bit like a bengal cat, but a little bit smaller, he's sweet but also not too bright.

Then there's me: I'm 40 and am on my 3rd IUI using donor sperm. My partner and I decided to put off me having a baby until her youngest son turned 18. We never thought it might be too late. Now I'm doing the Clomid thing every month and have become obseesed with the shade of lines on sticks.
My DP is currently living with her mother most of the time, due in part to her mother having some health problems and being very demanding of DP's time. Our official staus right now is "together but living apart". It sucks big time, but i'm trying hard to be paitent and understanding, thank goodness for the furbabies who keep me warm at night.

Hopefully in the next few months the family will be back together in a new (to us) home on 5 acres for the pups to run. Much better than the 954sqft place with hardly any yard we have now. Just have to get this place sold. If you know anyone in Central Oregon looking for a good deal, my house is priced below value with John L Scott.

That's us in a nutshell. I'm off to get some sleep.