Temporarily a leftie

I'm typing with my left hand so you'll hve to excuse any typos. I injured my right shoulder (more on that later) o they have me in a "shoulder immobilizer" should be called a whole right arn immobilizer since thats what it is.

K was wonderful this weekend. Everytime I'm ready to give up on her she does something to remind me why I don't. She took me out Friday to get my mind off of things. we went to the casino with the whole family and she handed me a hundred bucks to gamble with. She just got her taxes back so she was in a sending mood. I didn't double it like I hoped and handed her back $40 at the end of the night. Saturday we got a new tire for the dump trailer finally. I've been telling her since lat Wed (BFN day) that I really needed her to come spend some time at home, that I needed to be held and to feel like things were going to be ok. Well as of Saturday she hadn't made it over - there was always a reason. When she was leaving to drive her brother home she said she still didn't know if she was going to make it back to stay the night because her son might be renting a movie. I got hurt enough to finally say what was on my mind "Baby, there's always a reason you can't be there when I need you". She got mad and snapped "I'll be back" and I told her if she was going to come back out of anger, don't bother. Then I went in and cried. She called an hour later and was very sweet and asked me to come over for chinese and then bring her back in my car so her mom and brother could use hers. She then went on to tell me how much she loved me and that she wasn't angry. I think I hit a nerve and she did some thinking and realized I was right. It was really nice to have her home, the furbabies were thrilled too. We did alot of nothing, then went to bed because her brother was coming early and we were going to do a makeover on the front deck. He showed up earler than he was supposed to and woke us up. Poor Kelly had to deal with tears from me cause I didn't get cuddle time that morning. She handled it well and cuddled me for a few minutes after letting her brother in the house.

The deck looks FABULOUS! New gate that Abby dog can't jump, clean white lattice all around. I almost don't want to sell the house - I told the realtor (who came to take new pics) that if the people who bought it were planning on tearing the deck down I wanted to take the gate and lattice with me. K financed all $300 of job - she can be so sweet sometimes. That brings me to my shoulder. I was pulling out a nail (that i was told NOT to try to pull) with all my might (don't ever tell me I can't) when the nail came out, sending me flying and landing with my butt wedged in a big flower pot. The flower pot and I then went over the side of the deck and I landed on my back (I think). K yelled out "BAAABE" at first cause she thought I might be dead. After she and J picked me up and realized I was mostly ok (K -"Look how close you were to that board full of rusty nails") and finished laughing at my comical acrobatics (J -"Can you do it again so I can tape it?") Then K started yelling in a diffrent way ("You were told not to try to pull that one, do you know what could've happened? I oughta smack you for scaring me!") Ah the love. My back neck and shoulder all suffered and yesterday I realized that my shoulder was hurt beyond just muscle soreness so I went in to the Urgent Care. 3 x-rays and one immobilzer later..I tore something in my shoulder. So now I'm one handed.

And she got me an Easter basket.. I am loved after all.

don't know what to say

I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster, and that there's no way off and nobody's hand to hold onto alot of the time. I doubt this stress is good for TTC.

I'm wondering alot about what's going on in my body these days. Is my lining too thin? Maybe it wants to implant but it can't. if that's the case then I need to do something or it's just a waste of time to try. I know I'm ovulating cause the sticks turn colors, and the timing for the last 2 has been good. My head says maybe it's not meant to be, but my heart screams that that can't be possible. My heart screams alot these days about a few things. Which is why not a whole lot is getting done.

Spring is coming so things have to get better, right?

Bfn again

I tested this morning with high hopes, AF still hadn't shown. It was negative but i was still okay, after all nothings over till AF shows. Two hours later she came and I spent the rest of the day on the couch crying. I wish I lived somewhere where I had more choices of doctors. Mine doesn't seem to do anything. I hear other people going for ultrasounds and testing the thickness of their lining. My doctor's plan is "take your clomid and call us when you O". I think I need more, but more is expensive and I only have enough left in the fund for 3 more IUIs. There's just not the thousands for specialists. I wonder how expensive injectables are. I thik my insurance would pay for ultrasounds, after all an ultrasound could be for anything, it doesn't neccesarily fall under infertility treatment - which they don't cover. Mybe I'll call Portland Reproductive and ask what they charge for a consult. It might be worth a drive over the mountain, if I can come up with the money.

I'm feeling really sad, and I'm trying really hard not to fall into the "no hope" trap though it's calling pretty loudly right now.

I think K is trying to redeem herself. She took me out for coffee and dessert last night then came over till 3am to hang out. Then this morning she came over again and we got some stuff done. She always seems to step up when I'm about to give up on her. It's nice, but frustrating sometimes too, cause if she'd just be that way to start then there wouldn't be a problem. I can tell she was feeling guilty.

AF still hasn't showed up, I did a dollar store test this evening and it was negative. I'm oping it's just too soon. I had a dream during my nap this afternoon that I did 5 tests and 2 were positive. The rest of the dream was just about telling people. When I woke up i had to pee so I figured what the heck and tested. Now I'm depressed.

As far as the board goes, I'm not responding to anything negative at all anymore. I hope other people do the same or it sounds like we might lose it. I wish we could come up with a way to remind each other to not respond. Instead we should just respond to all the other posts and force the negativity to page 2.

I hope this month goes well for everyone. I hope the world settles down. It sounds childish but i just want peace everywhere.

For the record

There's more drama on the board ~sigh~ it's such a great place if you can ignore the drama. Unfortunately I think I accidently got caught in some. Some of the ladies started a yahoo group to have a back up in case admin got fed up and closed the boards. I was asked to join and felt flattered and did. However I have never posted, mostly because it quickly seemed to turn into "let's have a club that the popular kids can't be in" and putting down people on the board for things they can't even help. I happen to think all people are equal and alot of the most meaningful support I've gotten has been from people not in that group. It's sad really to have us divided like this, but I won't be taking part in that group, I just wanted to say for the record, I was invited, but will not be participating. And just to be clear, I have nothing against anybody who participates in that group, I think some of them are great and others I don't really know, I just personally would rather stick to giving and getting support for TTC and developing friendships with kindred spirits no matter which "group" they happen to fall into.

On to other news: I'm still sick, trying not to kill myself by doing too much, but there's so much to get done and it's becoming obvious I'm on my own. I'm trying to be tough and not let the sads get to me, but it's hard. I'm praying alot, just asking for guidance and the ability to accept what will be. Whatever that is.

2 days - actually a day and a half till testing. Unfortunately I think I'm feeling the beginning of AF symptoms. Dammit, I need something to go right!

Thanks to all of you who have lended support, it means more than you know.

Blah

I have pneumonia again. The doc said it's most likely from stress and overdoing it, instead of staying down long enough after I started recovering from the last time. I'm afraid to take any of the stuff they gave me, even though she said it shouldn't be a problem, just in case I get my BFP this week.

I'm also beginning to realize my dream of having us all back as a family might not be shared. Maybe I just need to face up to the fact that my status isn't having a DP who doesn't live with me right now, but that if I'm lucky enough to have a child I'll be doing it alone.

I just think if she cared she'd make more of an effort to keep her word, or at least call and apologize for not keeping it. If it happened only occasionally it would be different, but it happens almost everytime she says she'll be there for me, and it seems to only happen when it comes to me, she always keeps her commitments to other people. She's admitted in the past that it's easier for her to let me down because she knows I love her unconditionally and I'll forgive her. But I would think that if she means it when she says "I love you" she'd at least make an effort or give me the respect of a phone call and an apology.

I'm feeling pretty low today. If you read all of this you deserve a cookie. Unfortunately you'll have to visit T's blog for one, cause I'm to tired to bake.

Poem from the NW board

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother

Mixed

I had custody of K's great nieces, now aged 10 and 11 for almost 2 years. They went back to live with their mom, who supposedly had gotten off drugs and cleaned up her life, last September. Well within a month they were living in a cheap hotel room, not in school, and mom was using. They were in AZ and I'm in OR so I couldn't just go grab them like I wanted to. Apparently a few months ago the State was going to step in so they were whisked off to live with a great Uncle that I didn't know existed until it happened. Losing the girls felt like part of my heart was ripped out and I have been really angry and feeling like I let them down ever since.

Today I got a phone call. Apparently the mom is in huge trouble for welfare fraud and tax fraud and the police are not only looking for her (I have no idea where she is, but the girls aren't with her) but also for the girls. Now all of K's family wants to go get them and bring them up here to live with me again. Which is fine, I love them and they will always have a home with me. The main problem is that I can't afford to financially support them right now. When they were here before they got medical benifits from the state, but I was told because I'm not related by blood or legal marriage that I couldn't get any cash assistance for them. I was also told I should try to have myself made their foster mom then I could get some financial help as a foster parent. I'm not sure how to go about doing that with kids that are already in my home - or will be soon.

Also I feel a little used by the family. These people have never extended a hand to help or support me unless they wanted something from me. Today felt the same, all of a sudden it was "what needs to be done on the house in the next few days so you can sell it and get a 3 bedroom?" When I've been trying for weeks to get help and everyone's been too busy or things come up.

I'm really feeling mixed. Happy to maybe be getting my girls back, but hurt and angry over feeling used.

Options

I just found out that I can start foster/adopt classes on April 19th. I'm not giving up on the dream of having my own quite yet, but I want to keep all options open and they only do the classes once or twice a year in this town.

Today was pretty boring. Did a ton of laundry and had lunch with K. then came home and cleaned out the fridge and washed all the shelves and bins real good.

The petting zoo increased by one today. The cat I gave to my step daughter ended up being more than she could handle so it's back with me and the gang now. I should mention that my step daughter is developmentally disabled, and thogh she lives independently and functions quite well, sometimes things like remembering to clean the cat box tend to slip her mind. Oh well we tried. I told her it's still her cat, it just lives at my house. She wants to buy a bag of litter and a bag of food every month so she feels like he's still hers. On my budget who am I to say no?

I'm trying really hard to not even think about whether or not I'm preg. An almost impossible feat, but I'm trying. My dreams however are not cooperating at all! I'm having baby dreams all night every night!

My counter is a day off I think. It should be 7 days not 6. since my IUI was last Wednesday.

I hope things start looking up for everyone I care about. Spring is almost here it's time for happiness and light!

more hurt

BFN for T. What a sad day. I'm not even sure I want to test when it's time. My time and funds are so limited to try for a BFP. But I'll almost feel bad if I get it after what's happened today.

I'm sure there's a reason for all of it, but it just makes me feel really sad right now.

feeling heart

My heart is hurting for M and N right now. It's so unfair after all they've been through. I really hope that they don't totally give up on the dream of parenthood, though right now I'm sure it's too painful to think about trying again.

I'm praying for good news for T tomorrow, we need something to be happy about.

It's 2:15 AM...I think I'm going to try to get some sleep.

confidence inspiring

With everything else happening I forgot to tell about my IUI and the confidence inspiring Dr I had (NOT)

They were calling in a doctor to do it and I was to report at 2:30. This would be my 3rd IUI and 3rd diffrent Dr (same clinic) doing it. When I get there and they go to run my credit card the receptionist told me that they have a new system and mines the first card she's done. 10 minutes and 3 people later they finally get it to go through. Then they take be back to a room and tell me to strip from the waist down and give me that oh so chic paper thing to go over my lap.
So I'm sitting there half naked with a large napkin for shelter for about 15 minutes when a nurse I've never seen comes in and says "Dr Clark was in the building for about 3 minutes and got called back to the hospital to deliver a baby. We're trying to find someone else to do your IU." Then she asks if I'm comfortable! Another 10 minutes passes and a different nurse comes in to tell me that they have a doc to do it, but she's in with a paitent and will be with me shortly.

Finally after another 15 minutes the doctor comes in with yet another different nurse (no shortage of nurses obviously!) and the first thing she says is "I don't usually do these" then after I'm in position she informs me from between my legs "whenever I've done these before I've had another doctor looking over my shoulder telling me what I'm doing wrong. " If I hadn't just spent over $500 on sperm, shipping and the IUI, I would've been tempted to jump off the table. Luckily the cath slipped right in and (I think) she managed to get the swimmers in the right place. Her parting word were " I hope they swim north, on the slide they were going kinda southeast."

Hopefully this comedy of errors will result in a BFP!

Damn Dogs

I got so mad at the pups today! They're normally pretty good, but sometimes they just go nuts and act like the worst dogs ever. This morning was one of those times.

I got up and decided to make a quick trip to the grocery store for OJ and donuts. While I was gone the dogs decided to get into the garbage and drag it all over. While I was on my hands and knees grouching at them and picking up garbage, they decided to nose open the box and eat half my donuts. Needless to say I was almost ready to call the pound!

I haven't been feeling well the last couple days - crampy and achy and sleepy. That's probably making me have a lower frustration tolerance too.

Please continue to pray and think positive thoughts for M and N. They really need them right now.

Oh and readership count is now 4...so cool!

After all the excitement of the last few days, there's not much to write about. I'm crampy today, and a little grouchy. I'm thinking lots today about some of my friends on the boards who are having some rough times. I wish everything could just work out wonderfully for everyone always.

In critter news, I bought a training collar off of ebay. I'm hoping I can get away with just one, and train Abby then use it for Maggie.

K is supposed to come help tonight, but I'm not counting on it. I think it's going to be a "something came up" night. I know she's busy getting ready to go for the weekend, but I still feel a little unimportant.

It's Official

I am now in the Two Week Wait (TWW)! YAY!!!

I'm also cramping like crazy so this will be the only update tonight.

Can't hardly wait

This is such a pins and needles day!!! I did a FMU OPK ( for you non-TTC folk thats: I did an ovulation predictor kit using first morning urine - ain't ya glad ya asked?) and it was VERY positive. then i did another at around 10:30 - still very positive. And yes I am so anxious today that I did a third...you guessed it it was positive. Okay so I'm obseesed.

I waited anxiously for the doctors office to call and tell me that my swimmers were there and to come in. Finally at about 12:30 I called NW to see if they could tell me where they were. They said my doctor's receptionist had signed for them at 10:30! GRRR! I called the doc and of course they said they'd call back. 15minutes later the triage nurse called and said they were paging a doctor (not mine) to see when he could come in to do the IUI. There are 5 doctors in this clinic and none of the ones there could find a few minutes to do it??

So now I'm back to waiting for the phone to ring.

The other pins and needles thing is that M is at this moment going for her u/s..can't wait to see those results!

I now have 3 readers, gigglebaby, another sweetheart from the boards, has honored me by stopping by. Thanks!

I'll update again later.

Quick update

I have 2 readers!!! I'm so happy! Thanks T and L, you guys made my day! I'm thinking of making this invite only, then I can use real names instead of initials. I just don't want to put my friend's names out there for the general population.

Okay, the update. The second OPK was also positive. The Drs office said they'd call me as soon as my swimmers get to the office and squeeze me in. I really hope it's not too late! I'll test again in the morning to make sure it's still positive.

Thinking lots of M today, they're ahead so we'll hear results tomorrow, come on TWINS!!! Only 6days to go for T, I'm so pulling for that sweet girl. COME ON BFP!!!

One of the ladies from the board is sending me the "Take Charge of Your Fertility" book, I can't wait to read it.

I just did an opk, but forgot to check it within 10 minutes. I thinkit was more like 20. It says positive..which is not good because the swimmers won't arrive till tomorrow! CRAP CRAP CRAP! I wonder if it's wrong cause I waited so long. I'll do another in a couple hours.

I spent most of yesterday cleaning the carpets I thought quite thoroughly, but this morning the house stunk! I think the Rug doctor sucked all the dog and cat smell to the surface, but didn't quite get rid of it. that was a waste of $30 bucks. I've coated the area with baking soda hoping that'll help. I need to get this house SOLD!

Why is it that dreams come so close but stay just out of reach?

the POAS routine begins

I started my OPKs today. I hate that they make them so dang hard to read! You'd think they could make a plus sign or diffrent colors or something. I know there are the digital smiley ones, but they are so expensive and I'd rather save any extra pennies for swimmers.

I spent today shampooing carpets. They were lots dirtier than I thought! I suppose that's what happens with 3 dogs tracking mud - the snow in the puppy pen is melting and it's turning into a swamp. I try to catch them with a towel on the way in, but that doesn't always work.

I'm a member of the NW Andrology message board. What a great group of ladies! I feel like I have a bunch of new friends who totally get what I'm going through. I'm keeping everything crossed for T, she so deserves a BFP, as does everyone, but she's the one I'm rooting for the most right now. I'm also SO excited for M, as she just got hers last month after trying for so long. Can't wait to hear if some of us are right about twins. Those two ladies are two of the sweetest people I've met - well from what I can tell from their posts. I'm glad I found that place, I think I'd be lost without those gals right now.

No bites yet on the house, I guess I need to be a little more paitent as it only went up last Friday. I just really want this new place to work out so our family can be togther again, and hopefully increase by one. If AI doesn't work out, we're going to try to adopt from the foster system. We'd have to have a bigger place to pass the homestudy and the place we're trying for would be ideal.

I should be doing my next IUI this Thursday. Send sticky baby dust and hope the swimmers arrive on time!

Day one

I suppose my first entry should be exciting. But being that it's almost 3 AM it won't be.

Let me start by introducing the family:

Sadie is an 8 year old Swiss Mountain Dog mix, she is the princess of the house and acts every bit the part.
Then there are the "twins" who were born days apart but aren't related at all.
Abby is a 5 year old pitbull/sharpei/whippit/??? and can leap a 5 foot fence like a gazelle and looks a bit deerlike.
Maggie is a 5 year old border collie mix and the sweetest dog you'll ever meet

Then there are the cats.
Mystry is a 6 year old long haired tortishell and thinks she's a dog. She adores the dogs but hates the other cats passionately.
Scrap and Minx are brother and sister and look nothing alike, they are 4 years old and still sleep wrapped around each other - too cute.
Yodi is a Maine Coon mix, very handsome but dumb as a rock.
Bullseye (Bully) looks a bit like a bengal cat, but a little bit smaller, he's sweet but also not too bright.

Then there's me: I'm 40 and am on my 3rd IUI using donor sperm. My partner and I decided to put off me having a baby until her youngest son turned 18. We never thought it might be too late. Now I'm doing the Clomid thing every month and have become obseesed with the shade of lines on sticks.
My DP is currently living with her mother most of the time, due in part to her mother having some health problems and being very demanding of DP's time. Our official staus right now is "together but living apart". It sucks big time, but i'm trying hard to be paitent and understanding, thank goodness for the furbabies who keep me warm at night.

Hopefully in the next few months the family will be back together in a new (to us) home on 5 acres for the pups to run. Much better than the 954sqft place with hardly any yard we have now. Just have to get this place sold. If you know anyone in Central Oregon looking for a good deal, my house is priced below value with John L Scott.

That's us in a nutshell. I'm off to get some sleep.