Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Yuck

Well it started yesterday. My body releasing copious amounts of no-longer-a-baby. which means in a few weeks I can get back on the rollercoaster.

S (K's SIL) had the babyMonday, a little girl, and as predicted is adopting it out to the highest bidder. K and I actually were in the room with her when they induced her labor. We're sadists I think. I don't know if we thought since we were there they'd all of a sudden be human and give us the baby or what. After all what's family and compassion compared to money?
She's back at the MIL's house and I can hardly stand to look at her or M (k's brother) and my darling MIL is gushing and worrying all over them while I silently crumble and bleed.

Sometimes I wonder if being in this family is worth the pain....

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Update

The second test came with strange results. Apparently I was pregnant, but now I'm not, but my body doesn't know I'm not so I have to take hormones to convince it. This is all heart wrenching. Things with K and I are, as usual, up and down and going in circles, which is also heart wrenching.

I think I'm only going to try one or 2 more times to conceive. I don't think I can handle more than that financially - or emotionally.

My best friend just had a gorgeous baby girl, I'm thrilled, but jealous as h***.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

more uncertainty

from my post on the NW board

My dr called today to tell me that the nurse who'd ordered my blood test yesterday jumped the gun. That it is still too early for a positive to show up. She said I might still be preg after all and wants the test repeated next week. She thinks the bleeding last week could be implantation since I had no other AF symptoms. Instead of feeling hopeful I cried and told K I don't know if I can do this anymore. Between the broken adoption promise and what I thought were BFNs 3 times now I've mourned alot already this month. I'm afraid to hope again, but it's so hard not to!

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Well let see...
I AI'd last Sat. I think I O'd last Monday and last Thurs i started bleeding..who knows what the heck is going on. I'm stressed and depressed and trying to figure out which direction to go in with pretty much my whole life. Where to go when I sell the house. Why K is still friends with the witch and still staying out there when she could stay at her aunts.
She bought me a carseat yesterday. That's kinda confusing. She says it's so I'll be ready for my home study when the time comes. So I of course bought a stroller.

S is in labor as we speak..she approached me again about adopting it. But there are limited funds and I need to make sure it's all legal. She's done this before so she claims all we have to do is go before a judge and she'll give up her rights and then from there I can apply to adopt. I'm sure it has to be more complicated than that. She'd be happy if baby selling was legal. Then she could just get handed money and hand me the baby. Actually at this point I'd be happy if it was that simple.

Anyway the whole thing is excruciating. I feel like I'm at my wits end with everything and everyone. I guess things will work out how they supposed to. I think I'm just afraid that supposed to and my heart are very diffrent things.

I'm tired of being down. I'm tired of having only depressing things to write in my blog, which is why there are so few entrys lately. And thanks T for always having encouraging words for me. You're one of the things keeping me going right now.