I took Sadie to the vet, got her on antibiotics.
The new thoery is that Sadie may be sick...seriously sick as in possible cancer. And that Roxy is detecting some chemical change in her. The only way to find out is a bunch of tests I can't come close to affording. The $105 for a visit and antibiotics almost wiped out the checking account. It sucks to be on a limited income when things like this come up.
I have set up a seperate blog for Sadie. It will have updates and also a donation link for those who wish to donate. No pressure or obligation. If anyone is interested in following the Sadie story the link is http://savesadie.blogspot.com.
We had another mini incident tonight..no further injuries, but Roxy went for the exact same spot as before, Sadie's ear. Which leads me to believe the theory might be right.
This situation is killing me. It's not happening with any of the other dogs, and Sadie is my special one.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
On the petting zoo front.
Okay, so one or two of my 3 or 4 readers probably know about the zoo that lives here. 4 dogs and 6 cats. Some of you might remember the addition last year of Roxy-pup, the darling little submissive lab. And then there's Sadie, the 10 year old leader of the pack.
And all that was true until yesterday. Yesterday the submissive darling decided she should be the leader of the pack. Now Sadie is a very large dog, so 10 is quite old for her breed which has an average life span (on paper) of 7-9 years. Sadie also had an artificial hip, and arthritis, and a playful streak that pops up here and there.
Scene: Mama and Sadie are playing in the growly way they always have - in which Sadie sounds like she is going to kill Mama, but instead licks her to death. Roxy the submissive darling comes to investigate/join in the fun - so I thought.
Instead Roxy attacks Sadie and despite Mama pulling her off repeatedly, hitting her with the chucket ball launcher plastic thing, yelling, etc, Roxy will not stop, she was a dog I didn't recognize in that moment. As Sadie yelps and screams, I finally get Roxy to stop and she runs to the other side of the yard. As I am trying to help Sadie up (her legs went out from under her, prompting Mama to freak about her hips) Roxy decides to come back and go after her from behind. Now keep in mind Sadie is twice Roxy's size, but it mattered not a bit as youth overpowered size.
I drug Roxy in the house and locked her in the bathroom, got Sadie inside and checked her over and discovered copious amounts of blood pouring from somewhere in the vicinity of her head. Turns out it was an ear, which in one way was comforting because ears can be only mildly injured and still bleed tons. After making sure there were no life threatening injuries, I let Roxy out of the bathroom, holding on to her of course, and she immediately acts like she wants to go in for round 2. I was bewildered to see my submissive baby behaving this way, when the day before she was cowing to Sadie's obvious authority as she had since 8 weeks old.
I put her on her back in the submissive position, and try to get Sadie to come over, to reestablish her authority. To which Sadie replied, with a clear look, "do you think I'm nuts Mom?"
I then took Sadie into the bathroom for a clearer look at her injury and to clean and treat. Upon closer inspection, the small tear I thought she had, turned out to be a rather nasty puncture wound. Clip, flush, clean with hibiclens, and apply lidocane antiseptic lotion. Call the vet. Today we are going in for antibiotics, a necessary precaution given her age and fragile health. And money i don't really have to spend, but anything for my baby. I love them all but Sadie is my #1.
The theory behind this incident - according to the vet - is that between 14-16 months some dogs suddenly decide they are top dog, even if they have been bottom dog for a year. And they get the mind set "I'll kill you to prove it". Also, since Roxy is so bonded to me, she may have thought Sadie was a threat to me, by all the growly play. My plan was to reestablish Sadie's position as top dog, I have been told this would be a mistake.
My problem now is that I am having a hard time seeing Roxy the same, or trusting her to be left alone with Sadie, or even to be in the same room. I know dogs feed off of their humans emotions and I don't want to make the problem worse by being nervous around them.
Not sure what to do....but i am really hoping this was an isolated incident.
As for Sadie, she is stiff and sore and obviously not happy today. Maybe the vet can give her something for pain.
And all this happened while Mama is trying to recover from the flu...supposedly not the porcine variety, but enough to have been on Tamaflu and in bed for the last week, and to end up in ER a few days ago with the most excruciating back pain and spasms I have ever felt. Apparently the flu can be tricky and settle in strange places and cause strange things. Valium is apparently the cure. I was feeling fairly good yesterday, until the fight, which i think set be back a day, at least i hope it's only a day.
Hope all of you are well
And did you notice not one mention of K in this post? No I haven't totally come to my senses and grown a backbone, but we haven't seen each other, and have hardly spoken in a week. probably because we've both slept most of the last week, she has the flu too. She was thrilled when the Doctor told me I was worse than she was. I was less than thrilled. Thrilled because Kelly is always the sickest one, so she was happy to be the healthier one this time.
Okay so I ALMOST made it through without a mention....that's progress, eh?
And all that was true until yesterday. Yesterday the submissive darling decided she should be the leader of the pack. Now Sadie is a very large dog, so 10 is quite old for her breed which has an average life span (on paper) of 7-9 years. Sadie also had an artificial hip, and arthritis, and a playful streak that pops up here and there.
Scene: Mama and Sadie are playing in the growly way they always have - in which Sadie sounds like she is going to kill Mama, but instead licks her to death. Roxy the submissive darling comes to investigate/join in the fun - so I thought.
Instead Roxy attacks Sadie and despite Mama pulling her off repeatedly, hitting her with the chucket ball launcher plastic thing, yelling, etc, Roxy will not stop, she was a dog I didn't recognize in that moment. As Sadie yelps and screams, I finally get Roxy to stop and she runs to the other side of the yard. As I am trying to help Sadie up (her legs went out from under her, prompting Mama to freak about her hips) Roxy decides to come back and go after her from behind. Now keep in mind Sadie is twice Roxy's size, but it mattered not a bit as youth overpowered size.
I drug Roxy in the house and locked her in the bathroom, got Sadie inside and checked her over and discovered copious amounts of blood pouring from somewhere in the vicinity of her head. Turns out it was an ear, which in one way was comforting because ears can be only mildly injured and still bleed tons. After making sure there were no life threatening injuries, I let Roxy out of the bathroom, holding on to her of course, and she immediately acts like she wants to go in for round 2. I was bewildered to see my submissive baby behaving this way, when the day before she was cowing to Sadie's obvious authority as she had since 8 weeks old.
I put her on her back in the submissive position, and try to get Sadie to come over, to reestablish her authority. To which Sadie replied, with a clear look, "do you think I'm nuts Mom?"
I then took Sadie into the bathroom for a clearer look at her injury and to clean and treat. Upon closer inspection, the small tear I thought she had, turned out to be a rather nasty puncture wound. Clip, flush, clean with hibiclens, and apply lidocane antiseptic lotion. Call the vet. Today we are going in for antibiotics, a necessary precaution given her age and fragile health. And money i don't really have to spend, but anything for my baby. I love them all but Sadie is my #1.
The theory behind this incident - according to the vet - is that between 14-16 months some dogs suddenly decide they are top dog, even if they have been bottom dog for a year. And they get the mind set "I'll kill you to prove it". Also, since Roxy is so bonded to me, she may have thought Sadie was a threat to me, by all the growly play. My plan was to reestablish Sadie's position as top dog, I have been told this would be a mistake.
My problem now is that I am having a hard time seeing Roxy the same, or trusting her to be left alone with Sadie, or even to be in the same room. I know dogs feed off of their humans emotions and I don't want to make the problem worse by being nervous around them.
Not sure what to do....but i am really hoping this was an isolated incident.
As for Sadie, she is stiff and sore and obviously not happy today. Maybe the vet can give her something for pain.
And all this happened while Mama is trying to recover from the flu...supposedly not the porcine variety, but enough to have been on Tamaflu and in bed for the last week, and to end up in ER a few days ago with the most excruciating back pain and spasms I have ever felt. Apparently the flu can be tricky and settle in strange places and cause strange things. Valium is apparently the cure. I was feeling fairly good yesterday, until the fight, which i think set be back a day, at least i hope it's only a day.
Hope all of you are well
And did you notice not one mention of K in this post? No I haven't totally come to my senses and grown a backbone, but we haven't seen each other, and have hardly spoken in a week. probably because we've both slept most of the last week, she has the flu too. She was thrilled when the Doctor told me I was worse than she was. I was less than thrilled. Thrilled because Kelly is always the sickest one, so she was happy to be the healthier one this time.
Okay so I ALMOST made it through without a mention....that's progress, eh?
Thursday, October 1, 2009
A little better
I managed to talk to K a little about how I was feeling. She is now going to sleep on a cot, alone. Or if the cot is too hard for her arthritis I'll take it and she can have the bed. This is her way of not choosing and of not having to confront her friend for being such a witch. But at least I won't have to spend my vacation dealing with subtle gloating from said witch. Btw..since Kelly made this decision, the friend has been around much less than usual. I think she's mad she didn't get her way this time...and yes I AM gloating on the inside!
Oh and I have been advised to retest for pregnancy...AF only stayed for 2 days.
Oh and I have been advised to retest for pregnancy...AF only stayed for 2 days.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
More of the same
Well it's happening again. K's famously cruel friend has struck me another blow, and of course K blindly goes along. Why do I hang onto someone who obviously doesn't mean it when she calls me twice a day and says I love you? simple, if I didn't I would truly have NO ONE else in this town. I have no friends here and my friends from before here I've lost contact with over the last 10 years. I had hoped that doing agility with the pup would help me meet people, but so far not much in the way of frienships has developed.
We're all supposed to be going to Reno this Sunday. K, her friend and I were in the same room. The plan was for K and I to share one bed so the friend (who said she wanted to sleep alone) could have the other bed. In fact the friend - who's very bossy (not to mention a master liar and manipulator) is the one that said "K and E can share one bed....."
Now this week she told K that she(K) was sleeping with her. K told her no she was sleeping with me and the friend told her she can't. So what did K do....went along with her friend! this woman knows the sensitive nature of mine and K's relationship. She constantly puts K in a position to choose - usually a LOT more subtle than this - and then shoves it in my face , very subtly of course, constantly. K doesn't pick up on subtle things, never has, which is why this woman can be cruel right in front of people and come off smelling like a rose. If I get my feelings hurt is cause I'm too sensitive cause "she was just joking"
So what do I do? I really don't want to spend my vaction being made to feel bad. I don't know if I can stand being in the same room with them. But i don't want to give up a hundred dollar deposit and let everyone have a good time on my (partial) dime.
We're all supposed to be going to Reno this Sunday. K, her friend and I were in the same room. The plan was for K and I to share one bed so the friend (who said she wanted to sleep alone) could have the other bed. In fact the friend - who's very bossy (not to mention a master liar and manipulator) is the one that said "K and E can share one bed....."
Now this week she told K that she(K) was sleeping with her. K told her no she was sleeping with me and the friend told her she can't. So what did K do....went along with her friend! this woman knows the sensitive nature of mine and K's relationship. She constantly puts K in a position to choose - usually a LOT more subtle than this - and then shoves it in my face , very subtly of course, constantly. K doesn't pick up on subtle things, never has, which is why this woman can be cruel right in front of people and come off smelling like a rose. If I get my feelings hurt is cause I'm too sensitive cause "she was just joking"
So what do I do? I really don't want to spend my vaction being made to feel bad. I don't know if I can stand being in the same room with them. But i don't want to give up a hundred dollar deposit and let everyone have a good time on my (partial) dime.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Well..I've decided to give it another shot. This time I'm going back to swimmers from NW. I'm a little hurt by the forum there these days..the last time I posted it got over 50 veiws and not one response...so much for peer support eh? At least I met a faithful few there. Especially T who has supported me unwavering, and who I hope knows that she means alot to me and has given me hope when i was ready to give up so many times. Thanks.
L- I hope things are settling and that we can catch up soon, i miss your laugh.
L- I hope things are settling and that we can catch up soon, i miss your laugh.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
to whom it may concern
BFN..after much hope and prayer and AF being late, creating more hope that the stick was wrong. I'm quickly approaching the giving up on everything phase. Why bother being kind and helpful and hoping for a karmic break in this life when it all keeps biting me in the a** time after time? I must've really pissed off someone in a past life...
God is great (even if it seems he hates me)...beer is (really) good (tonight) and people (especially me) are crazy.
God is great (even if it seems he hates me)...beer is (really) good (tonight) and people (especially me) are crazy.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Got this from Tammy's blog and it sounded fun
The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you!
The offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will.
2- What I create will be just for you.
3- Apparently I have a year to get it to you, but hopefully it won't take that long!
4- You have no clue what it's going to be. It’s a surprise to both of us at this point.The catch?
You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.
So the first five people who comment, and are willing to pass it along, will get a handmade gift in the mail from me. When you get it, make sure you post a pic on your blog! Let's have some fun!
The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you!
The offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will.
2- What I create will be just for you.
3- Apparently I have a year to get it to you, but hopefully it won't take that long!
4- You have no clue what it's going to be. It’s a surprise to both of us at this point.The catch?
You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.
So the first five people who comment, and are willing to pass it along, will get a handmade gift in the mail from me. When you get it, make sure you post a pic on your blog! Let's have some fun!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Little star
Roxy started agility training tonight and despite being the youngest dog by far in the class, she did awesome. The trainer said she had very good focus for a dog that just turned a year old 2 days ago. They had us already doing the baffle board and walking through the rungs of a ladder on the ground, plus jumping up on a box and sitting. I thought Roxy would be scared, but she was AWESOME. I'm very proud of my little star pupil!
Friday, August 21, 2009
TWW
Well, I am now officially in the dreaded two week wait. For some reason this ones harder. Maybe because i feel like this is it...my last chance. Or maybe I'm getting less paitent in my old age.
Happy Anniversary L&S. Love and miss you tons.
Happy Anniversary L&S. Love and miss you tons.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Well tomorrow i get back on the TTC railroad. please be sending baby dust at around noon PST.
In other news, i have a broken foor which is very inconvenient. Especially since Roxy starts agility on the 24th.
Sorry I don't update much...I read everyone's blogs, but it's sometimes hard to put my own craziness into words these days.
In other news, i have a broken foor which is very inconvenient. Especially since Roxy starts agility on the 24th.
Sorry I don't update much...I read everyone's blogs, but it's sometimes hard to put my own craziness into words these days.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
The more things change
Lots of changes here. I went to Arizona for 6 days, it was a nice break. The day after I got back J started exibiting signs of altered mental status. I took her into the ER and she had a uti which can cause altered status in the elderly. She never quite come out of it. The family left everything up to me and just after I found her a placement in a memory care center, they changed the plan and decided that K's brother and his partner would get an apt and take her to live with them.
Which changes alot of things for me....loss of income to put towards a baby, K now doesn't have to feel guilty for not being here (her words not mine), which probably means she won't ever be here even to visit. (I know L, perfect time to put your advice to work, and I'm going to really try). And I now have a huge empty 4 bedroom house. K and I picked this house out together, I probably wouldn't have ever bought it had I know she was going to flake in less than a year. Family emeshment is a powerful thing I guess and I'm realizing she's not going to be able to get and stay seperate from them at least until her mom is gone, maybe not even then.
that leaves me alone...I mean truly alone. I let all my friendships drift away after we got together so literally the only people I have here are K and her family. I don't even know how to start developing a support network. I think right now my self esteem and confidence are so shot, it's scary to even try to get out and meet people.
I need to get rid of the couches that the puppy chewed up, but can't get them to the dump trailer alone. I really need to conserve finances since I'm back down to living on $700 a month. So paying someone to do anything is kinda out.
I want to be an independant woman and be able to finish the repairs on the house and do the yard and everything all by myself, but I'm just not sure if I can.
I guess doing one small thing at a time is better than doing nothing at all.
Which changes alot of things for me....loss of income to put towards a baby, K now doesn't have to feel guilty for not being here (her words not mine), which probably means she won't ever be here even to visit. (I know L, perfect time to put your advice to work, and I'm going to really try). And I now have a huge empty 4 bedroom house. K and I picked this house out together, I probably wouldn't have ever bought it had I know she was going to flake in less than a year. Family emeshment is a powerful thing I guess and I'm realizing she's not going to be able to get and stay seperate from them at least until her mom is gone, maybe not even then.
that leaves me alone...I mean truly alone. I let all my friendships drift away after we got together so literally the only people I have here are K and her family. I don't even know how to start developing a support network. I think right now my self esteem and confidence are so shot, it's scary to even try to get out and meet people.
I need to get rid of the couches that the puppy chewed up, but can't get them to the dump trailer alone. I really need to conserve finances since I'm back down to living on $700 a month. So paying someone to do anything is kinda out.
I want to be an independant woman and be able to finish the repairs on the house and do the yard and everything all by myself, but I'm just not sure if I can.
I guess doing one small thing at a time is better than doing nothing at all.
Monday, June 1, 2009
A little update
finally sold the van! now i can pay off most of the bills they left. I basically have put my foot down - don't fall over L - and told everyone that they and their stuff has to be out of the trailer by the 20th, that gives me 10 days to get everything fixed and hopefully list it july 1st.
My neice T, just gave me a great-neice (I'm way to young to be great!) Alaya Nicole, who is as pretty as her mama. And yes it's hard for me to deal with her having #2 while I'm still waiting for #1. On that fron't I'm going to hopefully TTC mid june using a donor from Canada that I found through a yahoo group. I have to buy a biotranz kit and send it to him, SOON.
My birthday is tomorrow which the last few years just depresses me because it's one year older and less fertile.
And for my rant today: I cannot believe that octo-witch is getting a show! That woman deserves a CPS investigation, not a paycheck!
okay..i'm done
love to my 2 loyal readers and any lurkers who happen by.
My neice T, just gave me a great-neice (I'm way to young to be great!) Alaya Nicole, who is as pretty as her mama. And yes it's hard for me to deal with her having #2 while I'm still waiting for #1. On that fron't I'm going to hopefully TTC mid june using a donor from Canada that I found through a yahoo group. I have to buy a biotranz kit and send it to him, SOON.
My birthday is tomorrow which the last few years just depresses me because it's one year older and less fertile.
And for my rant today: I cannot believe that octo-witch is getting a show! That woman deserves a CPS investigation, not a paycheck!
okay..i'm done
love to my 2 loyal readers and any lurkers who happen by.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Grand total and silence
Well the garage sale this weekend netted about 270. I can pay the electric bill off at least.
K's mom is still loudly not speaking to me and is in fact trying to make my life with J as difficult as possible. I'm not allowed to bring J there when I need to go anywhere whether K is there or not.
Everyone agrees it's not right, but nobody will take a stand. they all talk about what a bitch she is when she's not around then go over there and smile and laugh and act like she's not doing this.
Of course I'd love it if K would just tell her off and walk out, but I know that's not likely, she's not strong enough to do that yet. And I don't have faith that she'd do it if she could actually.
Not sure if we are going to be able to do the sale next weekend or not. I'm hoping so.
K's mom is still loudly not speaking to me and is in fact trying to make my life with J as difficult as possible. I'm not allowed to bring J there when I need to go anywhere whether K is there or not.
Everyone agrees it's not right, but nobody will take a stand. they all talk about what a bitch she is when she's not around then go over there and smile and laugh and act like she's not doing this.
Of course I'd love it if K would just tell her off and walk out, but I know that's not likely, she's not strong enough to do that yet. And I don't have faith that she'd do it if she could actually.
Not sure if we are going to be able to do the sale next weekend or not. I'm hoping so.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
For Sale
starting yesterday and going at least through tomorrow, and maybe next weekend, M&S's stuff is being sold at a yard sale. I guess that's a positive thing I'm doing, although the way K's mom blasted me when I walked in the door to drop J off (K is watching her while I do the sale) you would think I had robbed M&S's blind and waited 5 minutes instead of 5 months to sell off their stuff. Everyone tells me to ignore her but it's hard. I mean what does she expect me to do? Keep the house trashed and full of their junk indefinately I guess. At least this afternoon when I picked J up, she wasn't yelling at me anymore, but boy her silence spoke loudly! I'm trying not to care, but it's difficult. I'm so sick of the "It's just E, so it's okay to screw her over" attitude.
and for my 2 loyal followers, no this doesn't mean the situation with K has changed, she was supportive enough to tell her mom to shut up and to tell me that I'm not wrong, but that's all.
And L- having to take J over there is one of those things that I meant makes a clean break so hard.
Thanks for the support guys....it means so much more than you could ever know.
By the way, I've made over $100 so far at the yard sale, another 400 would pay off the bills and maybe go a little way toward repairs.
and for my 2 loyal followers, no this doesn't mean the situation with K has changed, she was supportive enough to tell her mom to shut up and to tell me that I'm not wrong, but that's all.
And L- having to take J over there is one of those things that I meant makes a clean break so hard.
Thanks for the support guys....it means so much more than you could ever know.
By the way, I've made over $100 so far at the yard sale, another 400 would pay off the bills and maybe go a little way toward repairs.
Friday, May 8, 2009
the other shoe
this isn't going to be long, because I'm still trying to process and get my head around things. The other shoe has dropped. And it was basically what I'd expected. Damn I hate being right.
K is now living in 2 places, "part time" here and her mom's. She told me "It's not you, I'm just not happy here and I don't know why." Plus she's decided that she's still in love with her mega loser ex who she's been divorced from for 17 years, and needs to know if there's anything there. I told her if she's feeling that strongly then she needs to find out and to just be sure it's the person he is today and not what once was that she loves.
I'm trying to be supportive and all, because for some reason I just love her unconditionally. Not as the "married" partners we were for 6 years, but just as a person. Why I love her after all the heartache and misery she's put me through in the last year and a half, i haven't a clue. I guess I'm just a fool.
K is now living in 2 places, "part time" here and her mom's. She told me "It's not you, I'm just not happy here and I don't know why." Plus she's decided that she's still in love with her mega loser ex who she's been divorced from for 17 years, and needs to know if there's anything there. I told her if she's feeling that strongly then she needs to find out and to just be sure it's the person he is today and not what once was that she loves.
I'm trying to be supportive and all, because for some reason I just love her unconditionally. Not as the "married" partners we were for 6 years, but just as a person. Why I love her after all the heartache and misery she's put me through in the last year and a half, i haven't a clue. I guess I'm just a fool.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
As requested
since L so sweetly asked, tho she may regret it, here is an update for what it's worth
My life has been a series of dashed hopes and disappointments. Insecurity, fear, and waiting for shoes to drop.
I thought i had it all figured out. I thought it was finally my turn for some happiness. Fate seems to have other ideas.
let's see...I was planning on trying to get back to TTC in Jan, but the finances just weren't there. The stupid house is still unsold and full of Mike and Sydia's junk. I tried to sell the van they left, but without keys no one wants to buy it. Having a title to a vehicle with no keys is worthless. I want to have a garage sale and just open the doors to the house and say "everything goes including the house..make me an offer" Of course with the economy I can't get what I need to out of it right now.
K's aunt has been in an adult foster home for a few years now. After much discussion and promises of help from the family and K's reassurance that I wouldn't be doing it alone, I got licensed as a limited adult foster home. J moved in the first of April, then coded in my arms on the third at her dr's office. She came home from the hospital on the 9th. Now this is a 71 y.o. developmentally disabled and mentally ill woman who probably has only a year or so left and who respects no one, demands everything, and acts like a naughty 5 year old alot of the time. for example, she's decided if she doesn't eat at home someone will buy her McDonalds. Her Dr and Mental health professionals assure us this is a behavioral not medical thing and we shouldn't indulge her. They have been proven right. It's a 24 hour job. J "punishes" if I don't give her her way by yelling into the baby monitor at night, between 2-3am seem to be her favorite times. And the family has taken the "it's your job" stance now. (K's mom, who is J's sister actually said "I'm not a damn babysitter" when I needed to leave J with her for an hour one day)
Why would I take this on, you ask? Because the other place was neglecting her (not giving her her lasix which was the cause of her coding from massive fluid build up on her heart) and it was supposed to pay close to 3,000 a month. Money for the mortgage and to save for IVF. Unfortunately that money has been cut for some unknown reason by almost 1000. Kinda cuts into the baby fund - by the time I have enough, I'll be too old and it will be too late.
As for K...well she's been finding excuses to stay at her mom's for longer and longer periods and has been home 3 days this week after going for "one night" and staying 5. she's now gone again(since friday). She's been acting very distant and weird too. I have a feeling she's planning to move out again, tho she hasn't said. The deal was I pay all the bills in exchange for her doing J's laundry and showers and helping with the regular household stuff. So far it hasn't been that way. I guess I should be happy she called tonight to say goodnight, huh?
I'm feeling very angry right now and very hopeless. Why don't I ever have anything good that lasts? Is that my purpose for being here..to make sure everyone else gets what they want and is taken care of while having nothing for myself?
Well my dearest L, you asked. I love you and miss you so much. And to anyone else who reads this..thanks for listening.
My life has been a series of dashed hopes and disappointments. Insecurity, fear, and waiting for shoes to drop.
I thought i had it all figured out. I thought it was finally my turn for some happiness. Fate seems to have other ideas.
let's see...I was planning on trying to get back to TTC in Jan, but the finances just weren't there. The stupid house is still unsold and full of Mike and Sydia's junk. I tried to sell the van they left, but without keys no one wants to buy it. Having a title to a vehicle with no keys is worthless. I want to have a garage sale and just open the doors to the house and say "everything goes including the house..make me an offer" Of course with the economy I can't get what I need to out of it right now.
K's aunt has been in an adult foster home for a few years now. After much discussion and promises of help from the family and K's reassurance that I wouldn't be doing it alone, I got licensed as a limited adult foster home. J moved in the first of April, then coded in my arms on the third at her dr's office. She came home from the hospital on the 9th. Now this is a 71 y.o. developmentally disabled and mentally ill woman who probably has only a year or so left and who respects no one, demands everything, and acts like a naughty 5 year old alot of the time. for example, she's decided if she doesn't eat at home someone will buy her McDonalds. Her Dr and Mental health professionals assure us this is a behavioral not medical thing and we shouldn't indulge her. They have been proven right. It's a 24 hour job. J "punishes" if I don't give her her way by yelling into the baby monitor at night, between 2-3am seem to be her favorite times. And the family has taken the "it's your job" stance now. (K's mom, who is J's sister actually said "I'm not a damn babysitter" when I needed to leave J with her for an hour one day)
Why would I take this on, you ask? Because the other place was neglecting her (not giving her her lasix which was the cause of her coding from massive fluid build up on her heart) and it was supposed to pay close to 3,000 a month. Money for the mortgage and to save for IVF. Unfortunately that money has been cut for some unknown reason by almost 1000. Kinda cuts into the baby fund - by the time I have enough, I'll be too old and it will be too late.
As for K...well she's been finding excuses to stay at her mom's for longer and longer periods and has been home 3 days this week after going for "one night" and staying 5. she's now gone again(since friday). She's been acting very distant and weird too. I have a feeling she's planning to move out again, tho she hasn't said. The deal was I pay all the bills in exchange for her doing J's laundry and showers and helping with the regular household stuff. So far it hasn't been that way. I guess I should be happy she called tonight to say goodnight, huh?
I'm feeling very angry right now and very hopeless. Why don't I ever have anything good that lasts? Is that my purpose for being here..to make sure everyone else gets what they want and is taken care of while having nothing for myself?
Well my dearest L, you asked. I love you and miss you so much. And to anyone else who reads this..thanks for listening.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
The renters are not back yet, word through the grapevine isthat they're back on drugs and likely not caring who they screw over. Also that they've been fired from their jobs here. All of which adds up to no money coming in so no TTC for me. I hadsuch high hopes this was gonna be the month...now I'm not sure if the time will ever come. I wonder if that free sperm donor group on Yahoo is safe to even consider. free I can afford right now.
In other news I'm looking into medical billing/coding schools that I can do from home. And that offer financial aid. All geared toward eventually bringing in more money and looking better on paper for a possible adoption, someday, maybe, i hope.
In other news I'm looking into medical billing/coding schools that I can do from home. And that offer financial aid. All geared toward eventually bringing in more money and looking better on paper for a possible adoption, someday, maybe, i hope.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
here's to new ears
Every New Years i think of my neice when she was about 2.(she's now 23!)
We were all celebrating new years eve and she'd been asleep up until about 11:30pm. She woke up in time to watch the ball drop then, as we all wished each other happy new year, her small, worried voice piped up and asked "why we gotta have new ears? I yike mine ears!"
to me she is still that little girl no matter how big she is and that she's a mother now with a second one on the way (despite my repeatedly telling her she couldn't have one before i did!)
I really hope that this year is the year that sees T and the rest of my ttc sisters being able to celebrate (along with me of course) mamahood and all those precious stories to come.
Happy New Ears everyone!
We were all celebrating new years eve and she'd been asleep up until about 11:30pm. She woke up in time to watch the ball drop then, as we all wished each other happy new year, her small, worried voice piped up and asked "why we gotta have new ears? I yike mine ears!"
to me she is still that little girl no matter how big she is and that she's a mother now with a second one on the way (despite my repeatedly telling her she couldn't have one before i did!)
I really hope that this year is the year that sees T and the rest of my ttc sisters being able to celebrate (along with me of course) mamahood and all those precious stories to come.
Happy New Ears everyone!
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