As requested

since L so sweetly asked, tho she may regret it, here is an update for what it's worth

My life has been a series of dashed hopes and disappointments. Insecurity, fear, and waiting for shoes to drop.

I thought i had it all figured out. I thought it was finally my turn for some happiness. Fate seems to have other ideas.

let's see...I was planning on trying to get back to TTC in Jan, but the finances just weren't there. The stupid house is still unsold and full of Mike and Sydia's junk. I tried to sell the van they left, but without keys no one wants to buy it. Having a title to a vehicle with no keys is worthless. I want to have a garage sale and just open the doors to the house and say "everything goes including the house..make me an offer" Of course with the economy I can't get what I need to out of it right now.

K's aunt has been in an adult foster home for a few years now. After much discussion and promises of help from the family and K's reassurance that I wouldn't be doing it alone, I got licensed as a limited adult foster home. J moved in the first of April, then coded in my arms on the third at her dr's office. She came home from the hospital on the 9th. Now this is a 71 y.o. developmentally disabled and mentally ill woman who probably has only a year or so left and who respects no one, demands everything, and acts like a naughty 5 year old alot of the time. for example, she's decided if she doesn't eat at home someone will buy her McDonalds. Her Dr and Mental health professionals assure us this is a behavioral not medical thing and we shouldn't indulge her. They have been proven right. It's a 24 hour job. J "punishes" if I don't give her her way by yelling into the baby monitor at night, between 2-3am seem to be her favorite times. And the family has taken the "it's your job" stance now. (K's mom, who is J's sister actually said "I'm not a damn babysitter" when I needed to leave J with her for an hour one day)

Why would I take this on, you ask? Because the other place was neglecting her (not giving her her lasix which was the cause of her coding from massive fluid build up on her heart) and it was supposed to pay close to 3,000 a month. Money for the mortgage and to save for IVF. Unfortunately that money has been cut for some unknown reason by almost 1000. Kinda cuts into the baby fund - by the time I have enough, I'll be too old and it will be too late.

As for K...well she's been finding excuses to stay at her mom's for longer and longer periods and has been home 3 days this week after going for "one night" and staying 5. she's now gone again(since friday). She's been acting very distant and weird too. I have a feeling she's planning to move out again, tho she hasn't said. The deal was I pay all the bills in exchange for her doing J's laundry and showers and helping with the regular household stuff. So far it hasn't been that way. I guess I should be happy she called tonight to say goodnight, huh?

I'm feeling very angry right now and very hopeless. Why don't I ever have anything good that lasts? Is that my purpose for being here..to make sure everyone else gets what they want and is taken care of while having nothing for myself?

Well my dearest L, you asked. I love you and miss you so much. And to anyone else who reads this..thanks for listening.